Pulled like red-hot charcoal briquettes from today’s headlines!  For example, if the headlines were helping start a fire in a barbeque and the briquettes were underneath them, you could actually pull the headlines from the briquettes!

Kathy Griffin and the Temple of Doom: Comedian Kathy Griffin made a joke about child star Dakota Fanning going to rehab, and received retaliatory letters from Spielberg’s lawyers.  A spokesperson for Spielberg said, “Obviously, to Kathy Griffin it was a joke, but why make a joke out of [Fanning]? She’s a terrific young lady who was there with her family, and it was very upsetting.” Eyewitnesses agree, stating that Fanning was so visibly upset that she wouldn’t calm down until she went and did three lines of coke.

Lowe profile: Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe have separated after eight years of marriage.  Divorce proceedings are apparently moving slowly because the lawyers keep asking Hilary “Wait, who’s Chad again?”

Charity begins at home:  Tom Cruise has fired his sister from being his personal publicist, following a year of bad press and widely publicized missteps.  Lee-Ann Cruise now oversees Tom’s charity efforts, and her first move was to send a memo to the starving children under her watch: “If you want food, find a couch and jump on top of it until someone pays attention to you.”

I wish I could split you: Utah theater owner Larry Miller has pulled Brokeback Mountain from his megaplex, citing the film’s immoral content.  No word on whether Miller plans to attend Church this Sunday following his theater’s matinee screening of splatter-gore hit Hostel.