Prologue:
Helpful, sparkling, user-friendly text on Earthlink support web site, accessed from work after DSL modem at home refuses to connect to the Net:

SAN FRANCISCO - Original on 14-Jan-2004 14:55:13 Eastern: We are currently investigating loss of sync, pppoe timeout or difficulties accessing sites and services on or off the EarthLink Network for DSL Customers in the Bay Area. Additional information will be provided as it becomes available. Earthlink Operations

That evening:
Hour one.
-Hmmm.  What did I do before the Internet?  Oh I know, I’ll watch some television.

-What the hell is all this?  People shouting at each other and waving guns and driving fast in cars.  I don’t get it.  I’ll just navigate to another page…

(Hits screen with fingers)

-Ow!  Where are the hyperlinks?  How do I change the screen?  TV sucks.

Hour Two.
-I know, I’ll read.  I love Pride and Prejudice so I’ll read that.  I don’t care that I haven’t checked my email in six hours.

“Elizabeth was sitting by herself the next morning, and writing to Jane, when she was startled by a ring at the door.  The door opened, and to her very great surprise, Mr. Darcy, and Mr. Darcy only, entered the room.

‘How did you get here?’ Elizabeth gasped.

‘Oh, I used Mapquest,’ Mr. Darcy said smugly.  ‘I downloaded the directions into my Handspring, where I also keep the recipe for a very fine cabbage and potato recipe that I obtained from Epicurious.com.’”

-Wait a minute, that’s not what happened.  My God, I’m going into withdrawal and hallucinating.  Must stay...busy…

Hour Three.
-I know, I’ll call a friend on the phone.  That’ll be great.  Wait...how do I call my friend?  I don’t remember.  Oh, I’ll just type in some numbers at random.  That should work.

“Hello?”

-Yes, hello sir!  I am trying to reach a friend.  Are you a friend?

“Screw you, jerkoff.  I’m sick of being bothered by you sickos.”

--L-O-L, sir!  L-O-L!

“What?  L-O-L?”

-It means I am laughing very heartily at the moment!  Smiley face!  Winky emoticon!

“Wink at this, dillweed.” (Hangs Up)

Hour four.
Lying on living room carpet, surrounded by vast, heavy, unbearable reality.  Suddenly, a man appears.

-Who...who are you?

“I am your Man Friday.”

-Go away.  You’re another hallucination.  A product of my fevered imagination.  Let me die in peace.

“No, good sir.  I am to be your teacher on this island of despair.  I will help you to survive in this Internet-less desert.  You will learn to find spiritual fulfillment in the simple life, away from the perils of things like hyperlinks and javascript.  At the end of our companionship, you will be a new man...and a much richer one, even if at the moment you feel most poor, most poor indeed.”

-Oh.  What are you carrying under your arm?”

“A Sony Playstation.  Up for a round of Resident Evil 2?”