The Eliot Spitzer situation has ignited the old controversy over whether prostitution ought to be legalized.  Although generally I side with individual choice in these matters, I am categorically against the legalization of prostitution.  I absolutely hate shopping for items such as clothes, furniture, and even groceries. Can you imagine how stressful it would be to enter a Prostitute Emporium?  The second you walked in the door, you’d be pounced on before the bell had even stopped jingling.

MADAME: Hello sir!  How may I help you today?

ME: Uh, I’m just looking.

MADAME: Here!  Try one!  It’s the only way to tell if it fits!

(She shoves me at a tall brunette.)

ME: Ooof.

BRUNETTE: You’re hot!

ME: I’m not buying you.

BRUNETTE: Then get off me.

MADAME: How about these two blondes? This one’s Inga, and this one’s Inga! They’re very cost effective.

INGA & INGA: Ja, hello!

ME: Um, I’ve had bad experience with cheap Swedish models. They were good when I was a student, but they’re difficult to assemble and fall apart easily.  Here, let me show you.

(to Inga & Inga)

Are you in this business because your father neglected you?  Do you secretly crave his love?  Is your profession a reflection of your own self loathing?

(Inga & Inga run off crying.)

MADAME: Well, that wasn’t a fair test. Our floor models are always a bit more fragile.

ME: Look, I’m really just browsing. I don’t need--

MADAME (looking me up and down): You’re a size small, aren’t you?

ME: HEY!

MADAME: Listen, this ain’t no library. You come in, you can browse for a bit, but eventually you gotta buy. If all you want to do is watch, find yourself a DVD.

ME: Well, look, I’m kind of looking for something special.

MADAME: We can do special. Just going to cost a bit extra.

ME: It’s...well, I’m looking for a woman about 5’7, light brown hair, glasses, educated, hopefully with a bit of a midwestern twang.  I need her to read this to me so I can...you see...well, here.

(I thrust a paper in her hand. She looks at it, reads):

MADAME: “Great work on the introductory paragraph!  Be sure to work on your transitions, and also support your thesis statements with secondary reference sources. Other than that, another sterling essay and you’re well on track to a very strong report card.”

ME: My seventh grade teacher.  I’d...I’d like one of your girls to read those comments to me. Over and over. 

MADAME: Hmmm. You’re sicker than I thought you were when you walked in here.

ME: Also, I’m willing to clean erasers.

MADAME: Okay.

(She picks up a microphone)

ME: Wait, wait, this place is crowded today, do you think you could be discreet about--

MADAME: HELLO, I NEED A SANDY HAIRED MIDWESTERN JUNIOR HIGH TEACHER WITH ERASER EXPERIENCE ON AISLE FIVE.

ME: Christ!

(My boss waves to me from across the room.)

BOSS: Good job, guy!  Personally, I’m just interested in being held!

ME: I’m outta here.

Can you imagine?  Let’s all work to keep this profession underground. Besides, I like the way it takes down a politician or two every few years.  Between prostitution, fraud, and illegal donations, I predict we won’t have any politicians left by the year 2019--and frankly, that’s a world worth bequeathing to our children.