I have a real issue with the primary plot point of Lord of the Rings, in both its book and movie incarnations.  The entire conflict between good and evil hinges on the ability of a defenseless Frodo to creep into the territory of the enemy, sneak into the stronghold of Sauron, and drop a magic ring into Mount Doom. 

As far as military strategies go, it’s not exactly a showstopper.  I doubt Napoleon Bonaparte is spinning in his grave, thinking ”Dang I didn’t even have to lose all those men at the battle of Eylau.  I could have picked that annoying private from the fifth regiment, sent him across the Russian tundra by himself, and ordered him to kick the Czar in the ‘nads.”

And who came up with this masterpiece of a tactical maneuver?  Gandalf.

A wizard!

Call me old fashioned, but I think a wizard earns his keep by turning the evil overlord into a newt, thus avoiding the need for battle and countless lost lives.  I don’t think coming up with a desperate plan that doesn’t even involve magic qualifies someone as a master of the mystic arts.

Following the same logic, I could launch people into the air using a gigantic slingshot and call myself an airline pilot.

I’m sure Tolkien revised out a scene in his original manuscript that went like this:

“So let me get this straight,” said Frodo.  “You have no real plan for defeating Sauron that involves your own magical abilities, or the strength of arms.”

Gandalf shifted uncomfortably.  “Not as such.”

“The entire fate of Middle Earth rests on me and my heterosexual life-mate, Sam Gamgee, and we have about a 1 in 1 billion chance of success.”

“Yes, yes, that’s pretty much it.”

“And I don’t even get to shag Arwen because the bearded guy with the hairless feet is all over that action.”

Gandalf held up a finger.  “Correct on all counts, young Frodo.  However, it’s a long, arduous journey to Mount Doom.  This means you and Sam will get plenty of time and several chapters to pledge fealty to one other, whine incessantly about missing home, and sing a whole slew of really annoying songs.”

Frodo and Sam slapped each other high fives. “Dude, we’re so there!”