I hate it when people say things like “I don’t have a racist bone in my body” and then follow up with a remark so inane and uninformed that you want to smack the person into the middle of the INXS revival tour.

I don’t discuss my medical history on this site, but I can tell you from personal experience that the whole concept of “racist bones” is a myth.  Racism doesn’t reside in the skeleton, for the most part.  It’s in a variety of body parts that’s determined by each individual and his or her genetic makeup.  In my case, for example, racism resided in an ingrown toenail.

Some time ago I found walking very painful.  I went to the doctor, and he said “You have an ingrown toenail. I’ll have to cut it out of your skin using these tiny scissors.  On the bright side, though, it looks like most of your racism is also in there so we can get rid of that as well.”

I said, “That’s great!  So I’ll never be racist again?”

He said, “Well, you have to be careful or it might grow back.”

I said, “Right--so I shouldn’t tell racist jokes, and stuff.”

“Well, no, that’s not necessarily true.  For example, Sarah Silverman tells racist jokes but she’s not a racist.  She has a joke that goes like this: ‘Christians blame the Jews for the death of Jesus.  Jews blame the Romans.  I’m the only person who thinks it was the blacks.’”

“That sounds racist to me, Doc.”

“No, it’s ironic. She’s exposing racist attitudes by exaggerating them until they appear ridiculous.  You have to listen to what she says, and then pay attention to the subtext.”

“Wow, that sounds like a lot of work for the listener to do.  Are you sure she isn’t inscribing racism back into public discourse under the guise of postmodern commentary?”

“Not a chance.  She’s a woman and Jewish.”

“Oh.”

“But she is hot, so that is a strike against her.”

I said, “Doc, you’ve completely confused me.  How do I prevent my ingrown toenail from growing back?”

He said, “Your shoes are probably too tight, so try to wear looser shoes.  And walk around barefoot when you can.  And try to recognize the privileges that have been conferred on you as a result of your personal ethnic background, and that not everyone receives such advantages due to various confluences of race and class--an insight which is no way detracts from or contradicts the power of the individual to make his or her own way in society.”

“Great, thanks Doc, I get it.  But listen--I know that the whole ‘racist bone’ bit is silly, but it would be nice to know that I don’t have a racist bone in my body.  Is there any way to tell?”

“We’d have to take an x-ray to give you a definitive answer. But I’m afraid you wouldn’t like the results.  We’ve found that everyone has at least one racist bone in their body.”

“Really?”

“Yes, for some reason, the clavicle is a racist bone across the board--regardless of race, color, or creed.  It gets all high and mighty because it’s so important, and completely fails to recognize its utter reliance on the sternum.”