My communications person returned from maternity leave, so I excitedly asked the right people what I needed to do to ensure she was reinstated in the company system with regular paychecks and whatnot.

I was told: “She’ll need a note from her doctor.”

I said, “What do you mean? She wasn’t sick. She was having a baby.”

“Being out on maternity leave is technically a kind of disability.”

“Okay, I can sort of see that, but I don’t see why she needs a note from her doctor.”

“The note from the doctor would simply say that she’s able to return to work and no longer disabled.”

No wonder we can’t achieve equal rights across genders; women can’t even have a baby without suddenly becoming candidates for the special olympics. In a just society, there’d be a derogatory term for men who see a pretty girl and then have to walk around with their sweaters pulled down over their jeans, but no, that’s just business as usual and then there’s disabled women having children.

I said, “Look, she’s already back at work, and a cursory glance will reveal that she no longer has a baby inside of her. The baby left her body, much like a kidney stone being passed or the miracle of life or something--one of the two.  Furthermore, she can prove it. She’ll be very happy to show you the baby pictures.  It’s a really nice looking baby.”

”We need a note from her doctor.”

My vote is that we change this system. In order for it be just a bit more high school than it already is, I advocate that pregnant employees deliver a note before they go on maternity leave. But the note should be from the woman’s mother, not her doctor. It should say “Please excuse my daughter for the next five months or so; she will be unable to complete her projects on account of passing on the family genes.” And failing that, I think the least we can do is refer to mothers-to-be--those lifegivers, those childbearers, those goddesses who soldier on for months and suffer terrible pain in order to give us sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, grandchildren--as differently abled.