My brother sent me a gift.  It was given for canceling weekend plans a while back to perform emergency babysitting duties while he was called out of town on business--

(--although it wasn’t actually babysitting; it was more of a clash of metaphors, the kind that you don’t usually see outside of a badly done creative writing exercise.  I had Cameron in her high chair and I brought out all these jars of funny colored goopy food, and I scooped some up with a spoon and said “Open wide!  Here comes the airplane!” And Cameron laughed and grabbed the spoon and threw food around and said “So which one are you, Orville or Wilbur?  The airplane analogy may have worked for your pathetic generation, but I’m more interested in a new one--painting.  Let me have that green stuff! I am spraying it around the kitchen!  The entire, newly remodeled room will look like the aftermath of Day of the Triffids!  Let me have that yellow stuff.  Perfect! Do you have any blue?  WHAT, NO BLUE?  Listen, Red Baron, I’m Jackson Goddamn Pollock and I’m creating a WORK OF ART.  Also, what’s for dessert?")

--and although the gift was completely unnecessary because emergency babysitting is part of the Uncle thing, it was a really nice gift--a Connoisseur’s Wine Opener Set.  I have actually had some trouble with this in the past.  At one point, in the middle of a social occasion where I needed the wine to pour in fairly short order, I think I may have jumped on top of the bottle and stomped the cork with my feet until it dislodged from the neck and shot down into the crimson waves of cabernet, quickly popping up to float like a buoy.  I’m suave.  I also use gadgets from Q Branch.

So I was excited about this gift, which is this gigantic silver thing with a huge handle, until I started reading the instructions. It said:

“Good for opening 1,000 bottles of wine.”

And I thought--jeez.  What happens after the thousandth bottle?  Does the opener explode? Does that huge, shiny, silver handle fly up and impale itself on your forehead?

“Hey Greg, what’s up with the silver thing sticking out of your forehead?”

“It’s my Connoisseur’s Wine Opener Set.  I opened up my thousandth bottle of wine.”

“Wow. Does it hurt?”

“No, it’s jammed into the part of my brain that registers pain.  It also helps me pick up radio waves.  On the downside, though, I’ve been struck by lightning five times this week.”

So this sort of bummed me out, until I realized that none of this would happen until I opened one thousand bottles of wine. And isn’t that a cool concept?  Knowing that there’s a thousand bottles of wine in your future?*

So, Internets, you’re officially invited over to my place to help me drink one thousand bottles of wine.** I need to get started on this.  It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.

*Actually, 999 bottles of wine, because I had to go home and test out the opener. But c’mon, 999 bottles of wine still makes for a pretty serious party.

**Not just wine, either, because I bought some Halloween candy for the kids but then I wasn’t home so now I have two bags of Butterfingers.  So please come over and help me drink wine and eat Butterfingers.