New scientific findings confirm what had previously been suspected: only 4% of the universe is composed of “matter” as we know it.  The rest?  23% is a substance known as dark matter, and 73% is “exotic dark energy.” Scientists know next-to-nothing about either of them.

And yet they’re congratulating themselves over this discovery.  What’s up with that?  I understand priests backslapping themselves at the end of each day, happy to have once again proven the mysterious and unfathomable nature of God.  They’d put themselves out of a job if they held a press conference and announced: “Not only is God’s name Yahweh, but we now know that He lives in Los Angeles, drives a Beamer, and is heavily involved in the textile industry.”

But scientists are supposed to be a bit more precise.  You don’t expect to hear them gush: “We’ve proven that the universe is 96% composed of a substance we know nearly nothing about!  Score!”

Now there’s a grant application I’d like to see.  “I intend to apply all of the scientific discoveries for the last several thousand years, including those of Einstein, Newton, and the guy from that Russell Crowe movie, and I will prove that we know virtually nothing about the material state of the universe.  Requested amount: $10 million dollars.  And some new pocket protectors.”

(I realize that part of the discovery is actually fixing an age on the universe--13.7 billion years old.  Whatever.  It’ll get overturned in a week.  They can’t even figure out the right dates for human evolution, much less all of creation.  One day you see an article that claims modern man first developed tools one million years ago.  The next day: “Scratch that one million thing.  We just uncovered a two million year-old skeleton that was not only buried with crude stone tools, but also several cans of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee.")

But my point--and I do have one--is to plead with every last one of you.  Please do not tell anyone about these scientific findings.

Can you imagine what kind of a world we’ll live in once this information seeps into the general consciousness?

“So did you find out what’s wrong with my car?”

“Not exactly, but we’re pretty sure it’s related to the 96% dark matter that comprises the universe.  That’ll be $1,500.”

Or:

“Mr. President, can you please explain how you expect to revive the economy by helping to balloon the federal deficit?”

“Well, now, I don’t really think we can expect my economic plans to make any sense, now can we?  I mean, 96% of the universe is made of a material that we don’t understand.  You should count yourself lucky that your pants don’t just fall down for no reason.”

“Well said, Mr. President.”

On the other hand, it could also work to my advantage:

“Howard!" We need a rewrite of all the sales materials, and we need it in two hours!”

“Unfortunately, the preponderance of dark matter and energy in the universe will prevent me from meeting that or any other deadline.”

“Gee, I guess you’re right.  What do you propose we do?”

“Well, personally, I’m going to crawl under my desk and take a nap.”

“Well, go ahead.  But be careful, okay?  We live in a strange and mysterious universe.”