The invitation to be guest blogger caught me totally by surprise. To introduce myself, I spent some time thinking about ground rules. Here they are:

1. Any references to pop culture are limited to people and events prior to 1969, which is when I stopped paying close attention. (I do know who Madonna and Paris Hilton are, but then, sex sells)
2. No references to dirty old men in America are permitted. We’re Viagra-enhanced geriatric adult natives (VEGANs) References to dirty old men of other nationalities are permitted.
3. Any defamatory or derogatory comments making reference to George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, Donald Rumsfeld or the Patriot Act are welcome.
4. Any defamatory or derogatory comments making reference to Michael Moore, Al Franken, John Kerry or Terry McAuliffe are welcome.
5. References to justice, fairness, adherence to basic American principles of fair play and decency are welcome, but in the interests of accuracy, should not be used in conjunction with either (3) or (4) above.
6. Political comments must be avoided except for the ones made be me. . . . . . . . .OK, you too, but don’t overdo it!
7. How about them (fill in the name of your favorite sports team).
8. How about that (fill in the name of your favorite celebrity who has recently exposed his or her private parts in public).

All of that said, let me tell you about myself. When Greg announced, he was about to be an uncle (see, archives, “Say Uncle”), my careful evaluation of the etymological derivations of “uncle” indicated that it necessarily followed I must soon be a “grandfather.” Knowledge that a man is about to become a “grandfather” is part and parcel of the realization that he is becoming a VEGAN. (see above)

For example, pretty waitresses now refer to me as “Pops” or “Gramps” and offer me their help out of my seat instead of offering me their phone number. (Not-so-pretty waitresses also refer to me as Gramps, but I wouldn’t want their phone number. Waiters don’t seem to do this get-familiar-with-aging-people thing)

The teenage box boys and girls offer to take my groceries out to my car. It would be one thing if that was limited to a two-shopping-cart major errand, but when I buy a quart of milk and a loaf of bread?  At the movies and chain restaurants, I get the senior discount without asking.  I haven’t been carded when I order booze since Kennedy was president!  Getting old means one is going to die. (Getting old first is not, as we lawyers say, a “ necessary condition precedent.” Lots of young people go too.) But, as Saroyan said, “ Everybody has got to die, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case.” I know I will not be an exception because I am receiving announcements for “tasteful pre-need planning.” I don’t need to plan, thank you very much, because I won’t be here to worry about it. It’s my family that needs to plan!

Finally, I plan to be very topical, focusing on the common wisdom, which usually isn’t.  I am a realist, which means I don’t believe anything or anybody unless it meets the test of verifiability. So, I may spend some time talking about the nonsense I see around me.  A good place to see some of what I am talking about is to look at Walter Olsen’s blog. To start with, does anybody think that taking vitamins and minerals will change the size or shape of any bodily structure?

You do? Uh-oh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . this is going to be a long week!