Today I found a Christmas card in my mailbox that was meant for someone else.  Like most people, I succumbed to curiosity and opened it and read it. Unlike most people, I’m taking the extra immoral step of making fun of it on my blog.

Why?  I’ve lived at my current location for two-and-a-half years.  I also know who owned the place before I did.  This card wasn’t addressed to them.  In other words, “Jim and Becky” haven’t bothered to update their Christmas card list for something like five or six years.  They’re one of those couples who blasts half the continental United States with their annual blather, uncaring of who actually ends up receiving their form letters. Do these thoughtless people deserve any consideration? Why, no.  No, they do not.

Dear Relatives and Friends,

Sarah celebrated her 90th birthday on August 23rd.  Our four children and some grandchildren were present. We all played Baroque chamber music at home for her for three days.

I am not making this up. Let me get this straight--this tough broad survives that long and you reward her with three straight days of chamber music?  That must be one heck of an inheritance you people have coming.  Perhaps this was one of the missing solutions in the board game Clue: “Jim and Becky did it in the nursing home with the chamber music.”

We also had a family dinner with an Italian theme on our patio.

After we finished with the chamber music, we broke out the Spaghetti-os.

In September Jim accepted the music position at the Unitarian Universalist church which is only a few blocks from our house.

Good, because professional and spiritual fulfillment just isn’t worth it if you have to deal with a long commute.

The organ is the oldest organ on the west coast, but it is not functioning at present, so he uses the piano.

Again, I am not making this up.  There will be a brief time out while everyone giggles.

The choir is small, but the congregation includes a surprising number of intellectual people.

Why is that surprising?  Unitarians are people who think they’re too smart to commit to a real religion. Now, if you said you had a lot of intellectuals in the Church of Latter-Day Druids who Worship the Earth Mother Gaia or something, you might have a point.

Updates on the family.  Daughter Cynthia is a freelance violinist in the San Francisco area.

The snickering pretty much stopped for me at this point. I feel for this girl.  I find it hard enough scrounging up a few freelance writing assignments here and there. When’s the last time you saw someone advertising for a violinist on Craigslist?

Grandson Tommy is beginning his study of Chinese for preparation for diplomatic work in China next year.

Wait a second--he’s just beginning his study of Chinese and he’s going to be practicing diplomacy in a year?  Here’s hoping he doesn’t confuse the phrase “Pass the chow mein: with “We will be invading you this and every other Tuesday from now into perpetuity.”

Son Fredrick is professor of music at University of Chicago.

What I’m gathering is: heavy emphasis on music in this family. Less emphasis on updating Christmas card mailing lists.

Grandson George is an engineer at General Mills.

Grandson George is tasked with making the flakes stay crunchy longer.

And although this was something of a mean-spirited post*, I want to appropriate Jim and Becky?s final words because they do, in the final analysis, echo my own:

Merry Christmas Happy Non-Denominational Holidays and a Very Happy New Year.

Love,
Jim and Becky Geese Aplenty

*Frankly, I’m just bitter because I haven’t sent out my own accurately addressed cards yet this year.