Uncivil unions.

By the end of the month, over 3,000 same-sex couples will have received marriage licenses from the city of the San Francisco.  The scene at City Hall has been one of happiness and joy.  Couples embrace, onlookers applause, and history is made.

And it horrifies me.

I can’t tell you the gut-wrenching nausea I’ve felt as one marriage license after another is issued to beaming couples.  I can’t tell you how much it offends my moral beliefs.  It’s a kind of physical pain.  It sickens me.  I want to turn back time and erase the entire offensive tableau from reality as we know it.

Listen: the last thing this world needs is more marriage.

Long-term gay couples are great to hang around with, because as committed as they are to one another, they haven’t quite adopted the characteristics of married people.  But with these licenses, it’s bound to happen.

And let me tell you, married people aren’t pretty:

  • They actually eat dinner at dining room tables.  I can’t get used to that.  Me?  I eat microwaved ravioli while standing on my head in my boxers watching The Daily Show.
  • They talk about stuff like neighborhood schools and cooking.  I mean, do you know that antipasto is a kind of appetizer?  I thought it was what you put together with pasto to create a huge explosion, and that you used antipasto to power the warp core.
  • They hold up the supermarket lines because they have so much food.  What are they doing, shopping for an entire family?
  • They are 90% more likely to send you a form letter Christmas card, and it will be devoid of any wit or creativity.  Remember that hilarious friend who used to crack you up with his annual cards?  The married version will read “DEAR BELOVED FRIEND, WE ARE THE HUGHLEYS.  THIS YEAR WAS A BLESSING FOR US IN EVERY WAY.  ALSO, WE CLEANED OUR RAIN GUTTERS.”

    And don’t get me started on their “life events.” Do you realize that I have 15 separate tax-deferred retirement accounts?  One is for myself, and the rest are for all the couples I know.  It’s the only way I can afford to buy gifts for their weddings, baptisms, housewarmings, and children’s parties.  I have them all named: “Ron&Sue401k,” “Tom&JaneIRA,” etc.  And now I’ll have to start up a dozen more: “Adam&Steve,” “Lisa&Lisa,” etc.

    I’m not just an armchair activist, either. Whenever one of my friends has gotten married, I’ve paraded up and down in front of the ceremony, waving a sign and wearing a sandwich board that says “FREE MY PEOPLE.” Now, of course, I don’t get carried away if I’m actually a member of the wedding party.  I mean, I still wave the signs--but I don’t spraypaint the message on the all wedding and guest cars.  I take my responsibilities seriously.

    Sure, a part of me feels good to see all those same-sex couples having fun, getting a piece of the married action, flaunting it in the face of those who would try to legislate their personal lives and deny them equal rights under the law.

    I’m just saying that they’re added to the long list of people who aren’t allowed over to my place for Poker Night.

    Posted by Greg at 03:20 AM on 02/19/04

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