On Friday I had some things to celebrate so the other Greg and I went to see Transporter 2.  For a while, we thought we might be the only people in the theater--but at the last moment three other people trickled in.  That’s okay.  Let’s do a rundown of the times I’ve had the entire theater to myself:

The year: 1986.  The movie: Short Circuit with my friend Donovan.  Actions taken: None.  Sat and watched the movie.

The year: 2000.  The movie: Godzilla 2000 with, well...I was bored that day, okay?  Actions taken:  None.  Sat and watched the movie.

The point is, I didn’t do anything special.  It’s not like a private screening where you get interviewed afterwards by Jules Asner, although that would be cool because then you’d have a chance to punch her in the face.

If you’re interested in your own private screening, just look for the common thread that unites Short Circuit, Godzilla 2000, and Transporter 2.  Give up?  NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO GO SEE THEM.  So off you go to enjoy the new Rob Schneider movie without other people ruining your cinema experience.

On Friday my friend Frank came over for turkey burgers.  I said to my barbeque, “Let’s go, dude.” My barbeque said, “Hello, check out the THICK LAYER OF DUST, Microwave Boy.  I’m not cooking squat for you.” So I rammed some charcoal down its throat and it eventually coughed up some slabs of meat.

Frank said to me, “You should post more pictures of your niece on your web site.” I have no idea what she said this; Frank isn’t a breeder yet and doesn’t seem inclined to be impressed by baby pictures.  But perhaps she just has good taste in nieces.  Or maybe she feels guilty because she’s kicking my ass in online Scrabble (sample word from me:  THE sample word from Frank: QUIXOTIC) Anyway, her comments were fortuitous because on Sunday, my brother sent new pictures of Cameron, including this one:

Which provoked the following email exchange:

- OMG I love the pic of her with the big fuzzy animal.

- Greg, that’s a goat.

- Oh, so you’re Marlin Perkins now?

What the hell do I know?  It sort of looks like a Heffalump, and besides it’s eating her hand and I think that’s first order of concern anyway.

Also on Sunday I sent out an Evite for my October party in which some friends come over and we watch horror movies.  That’s right--we’re going to watch the entire C-Span proceedings of the John Roberts confirmation hearings.  HA!  That’s comedy you can take to the bank.  No, it’s actually Sleepaway Camp and some others.  If you didn’t receive an Evite, it’s because I already know you hate horror movies or you live too far away or I have no idea who you are.  But you can still come over as long as you have some semblance of personal hygiene and you don’t give away the twist ending to Sleepaway Camp because people like you made The Sixth Sense--as well as the 2000 Presidential elections--a miserable experience for everyone.