I was very excited to learn that the new Sam Jackson movie Snakes on a Plane is undergoing reshoots in order to boost its gore and nudity quotient.  Not that I care so much about the film--but it did make me realize that I could do the same thing with my own life.  I’ve actually drafted a press release on the subject:

Greg Howard to Redo Portions of Life in Order to Increase Nudity and Violence

OAKLAND Calif. (March 23, 2006) - Greg Howard, a full-service provider of blog content and fashion tips to homeless people, has decided to redo substantial portions of his life in order to jack up the amount of fisticuffs and nakedness.  Test audiences have given his life low marks to date because of slow pacing and lack of dramatic tension; there’s too much lag time in which Greg works at the office, reads books, or sits around examining his nostrils for “Snuffalufagus"-level nose hair.

As an example, one of the key scenes that merits reshoots involves getting to second base with Kelly Slotnick in high school.  At the time, she said “I think we’ve gone too far” and Greg backed off like a complete tool.

Greg described his vision for the reshoot: “In retrospect, I simply wasn’t creative enough about escalating the scene, which in turn resulted in a slackening of dramatic tension.  Among other things.  So I’ll simply say ‘Okay, you’re right, we’ve gone far enough’ and she’ll say ‘Cool’ and then I’ll say ‘Hey, what’s that over there?’ and she’ll say ‘What?  Where?’ and then I’ll surreptitiously pull her clothes off, and then I’ll say ‘Huh, guess it wasn’t anything.’ I mean, that’s just a rough draft, but I think I can rescript many scenes in that vein to heighten audience interest at key points in the story.’”

Similarly, the violence level will be escalated as well.

“There’s the obvious scenes, such as when Ted Holloway punched me in the stomach in junior high and I didn’t fight back on account of not being able to breathe.  In the reshoot, his fist will bounce off a strategically placed sheet of titanium metal and then I’ll pound him into hamburger and sell him Amway products.  But there’s other times when people cut me off in traffic or just look at me funny, and in those cases I’ll punch them in the face.”

The reshoots are necessary because Greg’s life is currently tracking poorly in the much sought-after 15-25 demographic.  Actually, it’s also tracking poorly in the 25-35 demographic, the 35-50 demographic, and just about every demographic except for the obscure and relatively undervalued “People Directly Related to Greg” and “Yak Herders in Iceland” demographics.

The reshoots will commence as soon as Greg finishes watching Boston Legal and everything else that’s queued up on his TIVO.

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