There’s been a series of “takeover” style robberies in Oakland, the city where I live.  When I first read about them in the paper, I thought it said “takeout” robberies. And I was totally understanding of that; there’s a place on Piedmont Avenue that charges ten bucks for a lousy prawn burrito.  I figured the article was going to explain all the other takeout robberies occurring throughout the city.

But no, a “takeover robbery” is where the bad guys storm into a place when customers are still there, and they demand all sorts of money and cash.  Suspects in the robberies have now been taken into custody, and I’m not surprised at all, because it’s really impossible to do a takeover robbery in Oakland.  You’d have to say “EVERYONE GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR,” and people would look at the floor--and all floors in Oakland restaurants look about the same--and say “You know what, we’ll take our chances with the jerks with the guns.”

I assume they’re now pulling in witnesses to identify the suspects, and people are all “Yeah, that’s the @*&@ who told me to get down on the floor.  Told ME to get down on a floor in an Oakland restaurant without even letting me put saran wrap down first--me, with a wife and two kids. I hope he fries.”

The police asked for “help” identifying the robbers, which really annoyed me.  What other civil servants ask for help?  Does the post office ask for help with all the holiday packages around Christmas time?  The public is asking the police for help so we can go out and have a ten dollar prawn burrito in peace without being asked to hit the floor, but they just turn it around and say “No, we need your help.” And people wonder why billionaires put on black body armor and fight crime.

I do listen very closely every time they ask for help, though. They usually say that there’s a reward for anyone who identifies a suspect who is subsequently arrested for the crime.  I think, hey, these people are busy and overworked. What if they forget to leave off that last disclaimer? They might simply offer a reward for anyone who identifies a suspect. I’d call them up and say “There’s a guy I work with who talk loudly on the phone and smells funny, and for all I know he did the robberies too. You ought to check him out.  Can you direct deposit my reward money?”