I was thinking that maybe my love life would go better if I went with a completely different paradigm and became a Sugar Daddy.  I started to write a personal ad to that effect. But then I suddenly realized that I’m not rich--and on top of that, I’m kind of a cheapskate.

So I rewrote the ad:

“Economy-minded and fiscally responsible Sugar Daddy seeks eager supplicant.  Promises to keep you in onion rings and gold-toe socks.  Weekly shopping sprees at Target (max $50 per trip).  Will pay for your education--at the University of Phoenix.  Plans extensive, soul-nurturing travel in five mile radius of immediate neighborhood, with occasional long-distance trips to Bay Area suburbs such as Antioch and San Lorenzo.  Window shopping at only the finest stores.

The successful applicant will be responsible for the typical duties that accompany such arrangements, notably clipping coupons, rolling up spare change into coin rolls for exchange at the bank, and surfing Froogle and DeepDiscount.com using a set of pre-designated keywords.  Room and board all included; don’t miss this exception opportunity to obtain the security and stability that you seek.  (Please note: The successful applicant will also be responsible for 1/2 electricity, 1/2 cable, 1/2 DSL, and for providing a bottle of Charles Shaw for each evening’s romantic repast.”