When I was a teenager, acne splattered my face like machine-gun fire. It appeared without warning or reason, stayed to remove whatever shred of self dignity and confidence that high school may have deigned to leave me, and then often disappeared--sometimes for months at a time. Then it returned savagely, as if to say: “You’re getting closer to legal drinking age, but you’re going to have to suffer before you get there.”

As an adult I don’t get zits very often. But when I do (as I did yesterday), they don’t arrive in their old rat-a-tat-tat style; I only get a single one. And it’s enormous. What’s more, I know that it comes from stress. Anxiety and worry congeal themselves into an imposing crimson monument, like an angrier version of the 1939 World’s Fair Dome. It has its own unique architecture. I suspect it even has its own ecosystem.

When I’m forced to wear one of these magenta medallions, I don’t worry much about ironing my clothes. I barely comb my hair. I definitely don’t bother with cologne. Because none of that will matter--I know that in my interactions with people, their unspoken thoughts will be louder than their words:

“Hey Greg, are you dropping by the pub later?”
(I’M REALLY NOT SURE WHICH ONE OF YOU I SHOULD BE TALKING TO.)

“Greg, you did a great job on that press release.”
(I WONDER HOW RUDOLPH THE REINDEER’S NOSE GOT TRAPPED IN YOUR FOREHEAD.)

“Greg, what are your plans for the weekend?”
(DOES THAT THING HAVE ITS OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL?)

But from now on I am going to treat my glowing companions with pride and respect. They attach themselves to me because I earn them. I acquire them by moving at blinding speed. They signify that I’m pouring tons of energy in my company’s ROI white paper project. They demonstrate that I’m concentrating on buying only the best Christmas presents for my friends and family. They’re proof that I’m managing my finances to the best of my ability. Their very existence means that I’m being active, energetic, and engaged.

It is, therefore, a complete coincidence that I’ll be wearing a Mexican sombrero for the next ten days or so.