I’ve never been a full-time freelancer or consultant. I like working in house in a company department.  I don’t want to scrounge up clients and I like knowing that the coffee is made for me every day.  I mean, the coffee tastes like radioactive sewer sludge, but it’s still made for me every day.  Except when some assclapper takes the last cup and I have to make it myself.  The point is, I work in house.

Therefore I make a point to be patient and understanding in regards to the vendors and agencies I partner with, because I don’t really know their life. I don’t know how hard it is to deal with internal clients like me--people who have never worked on the agency side of things.

But when it comes to potential vendors who are trying to get my business, I am forced to offer a series of suggestions.  These suggestions have been culled from countless meetings with people who may have a product or service that interests me, but their mode of presentation is lacking.

1. It’s okay to smile at me when you first meet me, or maybe even when you’re responding to something I say, but don’t keep the smile attached to your face the entire course of the meeting.  Even when you’re saying something, the smile never leaves. You’re able to grin at me from ear to ear while still talking about integrated solutions that empower our potential synergies. And that makes me afraid to make a sudden move: what if you leap at me and try to swallow my head?

2. Don’t use that damned annoying sales tactic of constantly repeating my name. ”Greg, we think this service is right for you.  Greg, I understand the pain your department currently feels, and Greg, what we have to offer is tailor-made for your needs.” Because here’s the thing: I know my name. But maybe you’re projecting? And you actually don’t know your name?  Because I’m more than happy to respond in kind: “I appreciate what you’re saying, Jerkface, and Jerkface, I’d like to run the numbers with my team.”

3. I appreciate it when you perform due diligence by reading our materials and getting a sense of what we’re trying to accomplish.  But in the meeting, please get the information right.  For example, let’s say my company is rolling out new service line called Information Technology Tactics, or I.T.T.s.  In the meeting, you must state the correct acronym. Do not say:

“We understand why you’ve created a new strategy around T.I.Ts.  We think there’s a lot of revenue potential in T.I.T.s, and we’re interested in helping you expand your use of T.I.T.s so you can show your customers the greatness that can be found in helping them when they’re face-to-face with their own need for T.I.T.s.”

Because frankly, if I actually had that for a revenue stream, I wouldn’t be talking to you at all; I’d move to L.A. and set up a shop for A-list actresses.