Having recently completed finalizing a Mission, Vision, and Value statement for my company, I’m pretty sensitive to how these things work.  And I can safely say that the ones for the Transportation Security Administration pretty much suck:

Really?  Innovation, Integrity, Intensity, and Imagination?

I’m okay with Integrity. But don’t the rest of these pretty much scare the hell out of you?

Innovation: “The x-ray machine is broken. Rather than have all of us wait around until it’s fixed, can you please come over here and dump out your bag and also take off all your clothes?  Don’t worry, it’s completely okay to do this--one of the TSAs values is ‘Innovation.’”

Intensity: “Sir, can you please open your bag for me? And do it RIGHT NOW?  BEFORE I FRICKIN’ RAM YOUR HEAD OPEN WITH THIS STEEL BAR?”

Imagination: Just to provide some more color around this one, the actual value statement reads: ‘I am the frontline of defense, drawing on my imagination to creatively protect America from harm.’ So how would this work, exactly? “Don’t worry as you go through the x-ray, my friends--I stand at the ready with Neal, my trusty unicorn, to protect us from terrorists!”

Remind me to take the bus.