I posted a while back about talking to a guy who got aroused during a spa massage, and ever since this site has been deluged with search terms like “guys getting aroused during massages.” This is clearly a national epidemic, and it also confirms my suspicion that it’s really no big deal--it proves that professional masseuses are used to seeing this and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. They probably feel bad when guys don’t get aroused.  “Was I too forceful?  Was I too timid? Should I not have asked if this was like the ones he used to receive from his mother?”

It also makes me realize that man, a lot of guys are pretty much sluts. A little hand-to-skin friction and they’re ready to raise the roof beam, carpenter?  I don’t want to ride in a crowded elevator with that demographic.

But it worries me that there’s guys who won’t get a massage because of this phobia, so I thought I’d offer up some tips on how not to be aroused during a massage. Mind you, I have no experience with this whatsoever.  I don’t get aroused during massages because I’m too busy thinking things like “My butt is very very close to complete exposure, and it’s big and white like a spinning disco ball and it might accidentally cause planes to land.” This sort of mental digression holds my libido in check just as surely as if I had stumbled upon a skinny dipping Antonin Scalia.

Regardless, a lack of subject matter expertise has never stopped me from offering up unsolicited advice. So here are my tips: