That said, I’m not happy with the intrusive tactics of the new era.  For example, I spend some time with 30 Rock and what happens? An ad for Tina Fey’s movie Baby Mama comes tripping across the screen--in mid scene. From the looks of it, five minutes of 30 Rock is ten times funnier than that entire movie.  And even if it was a comedy classic, I don’t need to hear about it when I’m enjoying Kenneth’s comedy antics.

Then there’s my TIVO.  I finish watching Battlestar Galactica and I try to delete the episode.  Immediately, I get yelled at:

TIVO: Would you like to download more Battlestar Galactica?!?!

ME: Uh, no thanks. 

TIVO: But you can catch up on all the episodes from past seasons!  Only $1.99!

ME: Uh, I’m pretty caught up. I just want to watch the current season and find out if Starbuck is a cylon, and stuff.

TIVO: Then you can download classic episodes of Battlestar Galactica from the ‘70s!  Again, only $1.99!

ME: No thanks. That show sucked. At one point they went to like this space heaven and their uniforms turned white and it was really lame.

TIVO: I have that episode! Only $1.99!

ME: What did I just tell you?  No classic Battlestar Galactica.  Which, by the way, is a contradiction in terms.

TIVO: No problem!  Hey, listen, find out about a new Lexus!

ME: Do I look like I can afford a new Lexus?

TIVO: Then find out about a new Kia!

ME: Look, I’m going to work.  I’ll see you later.

TIVO (following me out the door): Comparison shop for wool socks! Get more out of your shampoo!  Buff and polish your abs with the Abflexor Flexis!

ME: Get back in the damn house now.

TIVO: I can get you the phone number of the actress who plays Boomer on the new Battlestar Galactica!

ME: ....wait....really?

TIVO: HA made you look.  Now back to business. Download Michael Bolton’s entire discography!

I’m not proud of being such a creature of habit, but that’s just the way it is, so I have to be very careful when I’m planning for a vacation.  Such a disruption in daily routine requires studious attention to detail, and to make sure that all necessary precautions have been taken before I leave.  My checklist generally consists of the following:

Research the latest packing techniques. There are actually sites devoted to the proper packing of suitcases to maximize all available space, such as OneBag.com. I visit them, study the most current strategies, and then give up in disgust when I realize that I still can’t fit in my TIVO.

Be kind to your plants. They’re not getting water for a while, so be generous.  I don’t mean by excessive watering or talking to them or any of that hippy crap; sprinkle gin and tonic over them. Next to photosynthesis, there’s nothing they love more.

Manage your workload at the office. Specifically, start doing everything poorly--that way they won’t miss you when you’re gone, or expect you to do things when you come back.

Set your out of office message.  This is a corollary to the above step.  Most people make the mistake of setting an Outlook message along the lines of “I’m out of the office and won’t be back for two weeks.  Please leave a message.” Bad move.  If you do that, you’ll come back to five thousand emails that you’ll never get through or return. What you need to do is set a message that sounds as though you’re actually replying to whatever was sent: “Hey, stop emailing me. I tried to call you about the project and you weren’t around, so I told your boss that you’re an idiot.” After the first day or so, people will actually stop emailing you and you’ll come back to an empty inbox and several blissful, relaxing days at the office.

Read the travel guide. Study up on the history of the country you’re visiting--although give up when you realize it’s all Crusades this and Cromwell that, and go straight to the part where they tell you about the good pubs.

Practice phrases you’ll need. I don’t mean foreign language phrases; who has time for that?  Buy a Captain America T-Shirt and practice sentences such as “I’m from the U.S. of Goddamn A you communist, so don’t tell me the exchange rate is $100 for a single goddamn Euro.”

The best thing you can do after all that is to relax and let yourself open up to new experiences.  Go on hiking treks; observe strange and bizarre people; eat exotic and frightening food; drink with abandon.  And once you get off the plane, you can do some other things as well.

Right, me neither, I was just wondering if you did.

Our marketing campaign started out strong but ended up pretty poorly. You know who else ran a campaign that started out strong but ended up poorly? Hitler.

I would agree with you, if you didn’t sound so much like Hitler.

Have you not been shaving lately? You look like Hitler.

I can’t believe I ate so much. I’m as stuffed as Hitler.

One could read a message into this, but I prefer to look at it and say, “Hey.  Now that’s a cute ass.”