I can’t believe my friend’s wedding was in December and we still don’t have wedding photographs back.  I looked pretty cool in my tux and I want to see the pictures.  I also want to see the candids of me convincing one of the bridesmaids to down about five shots, after which she ended up swinging naked from a chandelier over the heads of wedding guests.

Wait, maybe I dreamed that part.

Anyway, I think this explains why most couples stay together for the first half year of marriage; they can’t admit they’ve made a serious mistake at least until the pictures come back.  Look at Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, who divorced five months after the wedding.  My theory is that Drew filed the papers the day after the pictures came back.  Because, for one thing, she no longer had to wait for them.  For another, she looked at them and it finally sank in: “Oh my God, I married Tom Green.”

I have a theory about why it takes so long for wedding pictures to come back, and it’s not a very nice one.  I believe that there’s a black market of wedding pictures where all the wedding participants are photoshopped and their heads are put on bodies in various stages of undress.  Then these pictures are circulated to a bizarre sexual underground comprised of wedding guest fetishists.  Every wedding photographer you’ve ever met is part of this disturbing subculture of eroticized matrimonial imagery.

It’s too bad, too, because I think I look better in jeans.  But try telling that to a wedding guest fetishist.  “Hey, I look slick in these new jeans.” “Whatever.  Look, put the tux on and then slowly take it off.  And then pretend like you’re trying to catch a garter.  But don’t pretend to give a toast or anything--that’s way too out there for me.”