One gradually accumulates a list of reasons to distrust people. One of the highlights of my list is people who give their pets human names.

If you have a dog, you simply can’t call her “Sally.” If you have a cat, you simply can’t call him “Fred.” These are people completely unclear on the concept of “pets.” Pets are not people, and as a result, it’s imperative that you give them names that distinguish them from our own species.

I am willing to grant an exception if I am able to stand over the shoulder of the pet while he or she does your taxes for you. If the animal can pull this off, I will personally shake Reginald’s paw and congratulate him on his ability to find hidden deductions even after several loopholes were closed last year. If your pet fails to accomplish this, you need to look up “opposable thumbs” and toss out that book of baby names until you actually find yourself with a dependent who does not have fur, feathers, or gills.

Please try not to veer all the way over to “Mr. Wiggles,” however.