Some conservatives are claiming that the hit documentary March of the Penguins epitomizes their values, and that the actions of the penguins affirm traditional norms like monogamy, sacrifice and child-rearing.

Conservatives believe that the movie epitomizes other values as well:

The War in Iraq.  “Those penguins struggled through ice and snow and they didn’t even have any armor,” claimed White House spokesperson Scott McClellan.  “Clearly the reports about our boys in the middle east not having enough armor are greatly exaggerated.”

School vouchers. Even though the penguins’ struggle across the arctic wilderness represents a bold, heroic struggle, wouldn’t it be nice if the younger penguins could get some assistance for private school so they wouldn’t have to go through all that?

Intelligent design.  “Look!” say leading conservative scientists.  “I mean...penguins. That totally proves intelligent design!  Just look at them!  Duh!”

Gay sex.  Conservative commentators point out that penguins cannot have gay sex because they do not have proper buttocks; therefore, they are all heterosexual and thus anointed by God.

However, leading liberal critics have claimed the movie for themselves as well:

Social security. The fact that penguins don’t save for retirement proves that we require a social safety net to protect the underprivileged in their old age.

Global warming. The penguins wouldn’t have to march so hard if so much of the ice hadn’t melted due to SUVs and people not recycling.

School vouchers.  All that marching wouldn’t be necessary if all penguins had a good education from a good public school, and you won’t get that with a voucher program that diverts resources from the public sector.

Gay sex.  Penguins don’t appear to have genitalia, proving that the categories of “man” and “woman” are simply socially constructed categories and we all can live in a utopia free of the oppressive restrictions of race, gender, or class.

And what do the penguins have to say about their role in the controversy?  One of the actors from the movie recently went on record with his thoughts:

“Here’s a thought: Shut the hell up.  We’re penguins. Get it?  Not humans.  We don’t wear tuxedos, we’re not cute and cuddly, and we sure as hell don’t represent your dumbass politics or moral beliefs.  Perhaps you’ve heard of ‘anthromorphizing,’ in which humans project their own traits upon animals?  Well, here’s what happens when we practice ‘penguiphizing,’ in which we project our own traits upon humans:  we see a bunch of do-nothing slobs who sit around flapping their yaps and avoiding the actual business of life and survival.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got some marching to do.”