I was surprised to look in my bank account over the weekend and realize that I had more money than I thought.  I tried to understand how this could have happened.  And then I remembered--I haven’t been to a wedding in a while.

I’ve reached the stage in my life where going to a wedding once a month isn’t required.  In my early 30s, I had to start going to the racetrack in order to keep up on all the gifts I had to buy.  When Arabian Pistol fell behind in the last few seconds, I had to decline my next five weddings and claim I was laid up in intensive care.

I think weddings and baby showers are well intentioned but misguided.  If you think about it, it makes absolutely no sense to throw a party for these life events.  The people involved are already happy; the last thing they need are friends and gifts.  It’s like sending a paramedic to CPR classes. Shouldn’t we make more of an effort to throw parties for people who fight or get divorced?  That’s when they could really use it.  Everyone gets word of the break up, and suddenly people start calling around:

“Yes, don’t worry about the gift, we’re all going to chip in and get her one...well, we were thinking that if we had enough people, we could all go in on a lawyer.  I mean a really nice one, not the kind that advertise on TV...oh don’t be cheap Felicia. How often does one get divorced?”

Personally, I’m looking forward to the phase in my life where I have to start going to funerals all the time.  Think about it: you don’t have to bring anything, you can wear black turtlenecks (which make me look thin), and if you happen to blow it off, what is the person going to do?  Boycott yours?

I may break with tradition for my own funeral.  I’d like to be the first person to register for gifts.  You know, just to screw with everyone one last time.  They’ll think “Jeez, it’s kind of weird but I guess I’d better buy one of these gifts.  I mean, he’s dead, it’s the least I can do.” Everyone will walk into the place and look for the table where they’re supposed to unload the gifts, and the usher will say “No no, just step on up and dump everything into the coffin.”

Which, to my mind, is also practical.  Because no one knows what comes after all this, but I figure it can’t hurt to face it with a decent rice cooker.