GIRL IN BAR: There’s certain books I hate to look at.  Because you turn it over and you see the author’s picture, and she’s beautiful and her bio shows that she’s written four other books and she lives with her husband and her dogs in one of two houses on either coast and she’s my goddamn age.

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DRUNK GUY (sitting and tearing up credit card): Heh. Heh.  Heh.  Look, I’m tearing up this credit card.

FRIEND: That’s good, as long as you’re not planning to use any credit cards.

DRUNK GUY: Well, not this one.

(long pause)

DRUNK GUY: I have another one, though.

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GUY #1: Here, use these matches to light the birthday cake.

GUY #2: Whoa, that’s a Franz Ferdinand matchbook!

GUY #1: Uh, yeah.

GUY #2: If I had a Franz Ferdinand matchbook, I wouldn’t be actually using the matches. I’d probably put it on my bookshelf next to other geek ornaments such as my bowling pin.

GUY #1: Here, take it.

GUY #2: What? No, I was just kidding.

GUY #1: Seriously, take it.  I work in a music store; they send them to me. I’ve got a ton of them.

Sadly, I was Guy #2.