Here are some things that have annoyed me lately.

1. The other day, a gorgeous black Chrysler LeBaron was parked outside my place of work. I noticed that it had a license plate frame, which is pretty unusual for such a nice car.  I looked closely at it.  It read:

“EXECUTIVES DRIVE CARS LIKE THIS”

There’s a boss who must make Ricky Gervais from The Office look like Cesar Chavez.  Here’s a tip, sparky: If you have to call attention to the fact that you’re a big shot executive, you’re probably not really one.  It’s kind of like Austin Powers calling himself an “International Man of Mystery.” You’re not supposed to say it; you’re just supposed to be one. Oh, and that license plate frame is meant to be used ironically.  You’re supposed to stick it on a Pinto or a VW.  Also, eat me.

2. Driving to an out-of-the-way restaurant in the east bay, I passed an upscale dog kennel.  The slogan was “While you’re away, your dog will play.” Everything inside was painted bright, happy colors.  I think it’s great that people make a point of putting their dogs into a bright, colorful kennels--given that dogs are colorblind.

3. I just found out that Teri Hatcher’s daughter is named “Emerson.” I know it’s a rule that you can’t have a hit TV show or movie unless you have horrible names for your kids, but this is going too far.  Can this young prodigy explain the philosophical underpinnings of transcendentalism?  Did she supply Harvard with a graduating address called “The American Scholar”?  No? Then she’s not allowed to have the name.  Instead of complaining every time the paparazzi sticks a camera in her face, I’d expect her to explain the zoom lens as a modern-day version of the transparent eyeball. I’ll look for your analysis in Us magazine, Emmy.

4. I hate anyone who describes themselves as “a walking enigma” or a “bundle of contradictions.” If you have to actually articulate these things, then they probably don’t apply.  It’s like Austin Powers calling himself an International Ma--now look what’s happened.  I’m repeating myself.  That only happens when I get worked up about dumb things, which is the fault of dumb people. This underscores my political position that the “No Child Left Behind” act should be modified to say that it’s actually okay to leave behind the really annoying ones.