You know what expression I hate?  Complimenting someone’s attire by saying that they’re “dressed to the nines.”

Why is 9 such an attractive number?  I think 9 has a big fat head on top of a spindly body.  I much prefer the gentle, curvaceous 8.  I think 5 is slightly more symmetrical.  And the 3 has a very nice pair of buttocks, if you look at it a certain way.

I admit I’m not a big fan of 1.  I’m not into that straight-up, stick figure, Kate Moss thing.  But 1 is better than 9.

Then there’s the number 10--which by definition is the best number of them all.  I mean, what are you going to say? “On a scale of 1 to 10, I give 10 a 7.” You can’t say that.  It makes absolutely no sense.

Bonus rant! When someone mentioned to me that every issue of Oprah Winfrey’s magazine O would have a picture of Oprah on the cover, I just snickered.  I figured she’d get tired of it.  It’s tough to keep a monthly schedule of anything, much less magazine cover photo shoots.  Each month I put out a company newsletter, pay my mortgage, and change my socks.  It seems like I blink my eyes and a month flies by. But here it is, October 2004, and I’m still seeing her self-aggrandizing visage every time I’m in the supermarket.  She’s still willing to drop everything she’s doing and run into the studio to be photographed.  And it’s not like it’s not possible to put anything else on the cover of a magazine called O.  You could have artistic interpretations of Pauline Reage characters, or Julia Stiles in Shakespeare costumes, or anything that typically follows a poetic apostrophe. Oprah, your ego is a sentient, living monstrosity, and I’d like to slam a phone book shut on your nose.