You’d think that casino employees comprise the largest workforce in Las Vegas, but no: it’s the people stand on the street corners and hand out leaflets and flyers to tourists. It looked like fun and I wanted to join them. I don’t have a variety show or strip club to promote, but I thought about just handing out scribbled words of encouragement: “You look great today!” Or maybe try candor: “Your wife seems a little perturbed. Perhaps you should be more attentive to her needs in bed.”

Vegas is great, though. The city anticipates your every need. There I was, dutifully putting quarters into the slot machine, and I suddenly had a powerful, uncontrollable yearning for a telephone shaped like Mickey Mouse. All I had to do was round the corner, and there was a shelf full of them. And later I thought to myself: “That Mickey Mouse phone was great, but I could really use one shaped like Betty Boop.” And did I have to walk more than ten yards to find one? I think you already know the answer to that.

One last thought. You know how conferences always have a heavily advertised presenter who stands in front of the attendees and addresses them? I think that when the conference is held in Vegas, this person should just stand there and recite a bunch of numbers like 16, 33, and 54.

This person would be known as the “Keno speaker.”