You know what’s the ultimate no-win social situation? When the serving person brings out every other dish but yours.

This just never goes well.  Either you say nothing, which is rude. Or you tell the people around you, “No no, start eating before everything gets cold, Don’t feel bad--look, I’m eating too. I’m having the last of the bread, and I’m also gnawing on my napkin.”

But think about what you just did to everyone else at the table.  Either they start eating, which makes them look insensitive, or they don’t, which means they’re ignoring a direct request from you.  At which point everyone sits silently and looks awkwardly at each other.  They start thinking heavily about baseball in order to forget that there’s a delicious, steaming plate of food in front of them.

And this always happens when you’ve ordered the simplest thing on the menu.  It’s not like everyone else at the table ordered macaroni and cheese and you ordered lobster bisque.  You say, “Look, it’s a damn cheeseburger. I make cheeseburgers at home in about five minutes.  What’s the deal?”

And the server says “Oh!  Don’t worry, yours will be coming right out.” Which is code for “We’re currently slaughtering the cow, at which point we will process it and prepare it to become meat patties in several hours time.”

Normally I’d call for servers to try to align all their customers’ meals together, so they’re brought out at once and someone isn’t left without. But I know that this is all an elaborate social experiment centered on me.  Servers keep watch for me.  And when they see me coming into the restaurant with my friends, they chatter excitedly: “He’s almost here. Now remember, serve him last with a space of about fifteen minutes.  $20 says that after he finishes eating his napkin, he’ll start nibbling on the tablecloth.”