DAD: “Help yourself to some more turkey, Matthew.” “Why thank you, Matthew, I don’t mind if I do.”

ME: (aghast)

DAD: Don’t you talk to yourself sometimes?

ME: No, because I’ve seen you do it all my life, and it scares the hell out of me.

DAD: You know why I talk to myself?

ME: Why?

DAD: It’s the only way I can be assured of an intelligent response.

----

ME: ...so I had my three-month checkup, and I’m 20 in the right eye and 25 in the left eye.  The lasik surgery was a complete success.

DAD: So now are you going to tattoo your corneas so you don’t need sunglasses?