Maybe I should go on a diet.  I’m not overweight, but I’m no longer rail thin.  In high school, I made David Bowie look like a binge eater.

It’s just my stomach.  It’s bulgy.  It’s Staypuffy. I don’t need to lose a lot.  Just a few pounds.  Just to regain some tone. I don’t need six-pack abs.  I’ll settle for a three-pack and a few bottles.

How did this happen?  It must be my age.  I can feel my metabolism slowing down.  When I watch a Buffy rerun, it often takes me longer than ten seconds to name the season.

I exercise, and keep a healthy ratio of 50% actually going to the gym and 50% blowing it off.  Which isn’t bad, considering that I feel very guilty about the times I flake.  That kind of stress burns calories like paper in fire.

I think the main problem is that I cut corners in terms of healthy eating.  Of course, there was that time that I had a dinner of nothing but vegetables and tofu...back in 1994.  The effects have probably worn off by now.

There’s junk food to consider.  I eat a few frozen pizzas here and there, but so what?  They contain the four major food groups: pepperoni, sausage, cheese, and crust.

Then there’s the pastries and other snacks lying around the office. They’re everywhere.  For example, when I think about the times I absent-mindedly nibbled on something junky today, it was...let me think…

8:40 a.m.
11:14 a.m.
1:10 p.m.
3:35 p.m.
4:45 p.m.

Okay, so there could be some improvement there.

My niece doesn’t have to worry about her metabolism.  She’s a baby.  Over the July 4th weekend, she stuffed her face with voluminous portions of Cheerios, tomato, and oatmeal and she didn’t gain any weight.  Although she is developing her vocabulary nicely.  She can now say:
- “Mama”
- “Bye bye”
- “No no”
- “A moderate nominee for the Supreme Court would help prevent the resurgence of the filibuster issue.”

There is one other part of my diet that I should consider.  I should consider…

...oh my God, no…

.......beer?

I mean, how bad is beer, really?  Sometimes I go out to lunch with the other Greg and we polish off a couple of those Godzilla-sized Sapporo bottles.  But isn’t there a rule that says you’re okay as long as you drink slightly under your body weight?  I’m sure that’s a rule. Here, let me Google that.  I’ll use the strategic search words “body weight” and “beer”....

.......nothing.  Stupid Google.  It costs $500 a share but it doesn’t even tell me stuff I know is true.  I hope Looksmart kicks your ass.

Jesus, there’s just no escaping it.  If I do this thing, I’d have to cut out the beer.

Suddenly, I feel the need to rhapsodize.

Oh beer
You are fine when
Nestled in my stomach
If you were not nestled in my stomach
Would you be nestled in the stomach of someone that’s true to you?

I dislike it when people take prose sentences, insert random line breaks, and call it “poetry.” However, I feel as though my beer poem is a masterpiece. I should submit it to a literary journal.

Eh, you know what--screw it. If I’m trapped in a blizzard and need to survive without food until I’m rescued, I’ll desperately want the extra pounds.  Why would I put my life in jeopardy by trying to lose them?

Excellent point. I think I’ll go have a beer.