I just wanted to do my usual workout, but Magic Johnson decided to stop by my local gym and sign autographs. The place was packed full of people, most of whom weren’t members.  Policemen were everywhere.  And there were also--I’m not making this up--women in red costumes with gigantic headdresses, walking around the place on stilts.  Women in neon green costumers doing strange dances.  A buffet table with crackers and salmon spread.

Okay, listen up, 24 Hour Fitness.  I want to see only two kinds of people* when I’m at the gym:
1. Obscenely fat people, to remind me of what I fear.
2. Thin beautiful people, to remind me of what I crave.

I do not need to see:
- People on stilts
- Neon-green dancers
And I definitely don’t need to walk over to my favorite machine only to find the seat occupied by a woman scarfing her face with crackers and salmon spread.

*I do not require celebrities, either, unless it’s Naomi Watts leading one of those cardio striptease dealies.