You might think that it sucks to spend part of a 3-day weekend writing press releases for a work deadline that can’t wait until Tuesday.  And it’s true--for a little while, I’ve been sitting here stewing and getting irritated about the whole thing.

But then I remembered that I’m actually paying homage to the Fourth of July in my own little way.  After all, press releases were an important part of the United States and its struggle for independence from Britain.  In fact, the very first press release ever written announced the end of the war.

In case you’ve forgotten the details of that historical document--and if you have, shame on you for falling asleep in history--I’ve reprinted it below.

UNITED STATES AND BRITAIN END FEUD, SETTLE OUT OF COURT

Amateur Deep-Sea Divers Try to Recover Boxes of “Perfectly Good” Tea

WASHINGTON D.C. (September 3, 1783) - The United States and Great Britain today announced the dissolution of their strategic partnership, allowing the U.S. to divest itself of “colony” status in order to become its own corporate entity.

The United States, while being a corporate spinoff of Britain, nonetheless differs in key aspects of its mission statement.  The new country’s principles include fostering a workplace environment that encourages “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” particularly if you’re a landowning white male.  It also helps if you’re tall.  Really tall--like, even as tall as 5’5”.

General George Washington expressed enthusiasm about becoming the United States’s first President and CEO.  “Frankly, I could use some steady income, “ Washington said.  “I threw a dollar across the Potomac River.  Do you know how dumb that was?  I mean, we were all feeling a little punchy from the Valley Forge thing and it seemed funny at the time, but it wasn’t my smartest move.  And when I say that, keep in mind that I can’t tell a lie.”

Washington continued, “My only consolation is, now that I’ve proven how ridiculous it is to throw money around like that, it’ll be easy to set up a government that doesn’t engage in that kind of wasteful spending.”

Vice President (and assistant to the CEO) John Adams echoed some of these sentiments.  “Me and Abby just bought a house for three bucks--and let me tell you, even with 0% interest and no property taxes, the monthly payments are killing us.  It makes me grumpy enough to pass some Alien and Sedition Acts, or something.”

King George III responded to the news of the spinoff with guarded courtesy.  “I think it’s important that the U.S. has a chance to see if it can become a viable, revenue-generating concern and hit its quarterly numbers,” he said.  “However, we think the lack of a strong monarchy is a weakness in its overall business model.”

The King added, “We don’t consider negotiations ended between us.  We might be back to reopen discussions...say, sometime around 1812.”