For my recent birthday, some friends bought me a poker set.  The part that really touched me was that they included an automatic card shuffler.  This indicated a thorough, precise understanding of my character--or rather, it indicated a great deal of prior annoyance as they’ve had to watch me try to shuffle cards.  I can’t shuffle cards.  And shuffling via “52-Card Pick Up” gets old fast.

It got me to thinking of other gifts that would be similarly appropriate for addressing flaws in my character:

Sports for Dummies.  Although I’d probably only get through the chapter on mud wrestling.

Martini Maker.  Provides just the right kiss of vermouth to the vodka, resulting in the perfect martini and preventing the need for manually figuring out the highly complex vodka/vermouth ratio.  Best if gift is accompanied with a Walther PPK and a car that can turn into a submarine.

Small Talk Generator.  Just sit back and relax; this voice-activated device does all the hard work for you, finding just the right response and intonation for discussing important issues with your colleagues such as “Repairing roof shingles,” “Babies and the cute things they do,” “Those wacky kids in The Apprentice,” and “Ha!  The weather.  Yeah, just tell me about the weather.”

Gift Wrapping Machine. I don’t even try to wrap gifts.  Instead, I embrace my complete lack of wrapping talent and go all kamikaze on them.  I cram a gift into the paper, smother it with tape, and stomp a bow on it with a song of joyous anarchy in my heart.  It’s my way of paying tribute to the chaos that rules our lives.  I shove gifts at people and say “Never mind the Sex Pistols; here’s your damn present.”

Snore B Gone.  I’m actually working on a way to deal with my snoring habit using a method called “subconscious ventriloquism.” While sleeping, I can cast my voice elsewhere.  So far this method has greatly improved my life, although it’s caused three couples on the floor above me to file for divorce.