I know that readers of this blog--all two of you--are anxious to hear more high-powered insights into booth marketing. So here you go: never staff a trade show booth with two people who share the same first name.

I don’t know why this is an issue, but for some reason it really spooks some people. At the PIHRA conference, where I’m posting this, my associate and I will occasionally encounter a situation like this one:

“Oh, your company does benefits and payroll outsourcing via the web? That’s wonderful! I’ve been looking for a service like that for ages!”

“Well, we’d be pleased to discuss our value proposition with you.”

“Terrific! Let me give you my business card as well as the business card of my company’s CEO, CFO, primary investors, and every other executive I know who makes expensive business decisions! My name’s Martha!”

“Nice to meet you, Martha. I’m Greg, and this is my colleague Greg.”

“Uh....you’re both named Greg?”

“Yes. Now, as to the nature of our services--”

“You know what, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“But--”

“No no, it’s okay. And hey, you two have a nice trip back to your home planet.”

I’m posting this from the PIHRA conference where I’m helping run a booth for my company.

As conferences begin, you tend to use the usual methods--shaking hands, smiling at people, handing out sales collateral.

As time wears on and attendees begin to lose interest in the various exhibitors, you begin to become more aggressive.

At the moment, I’ve taken to sticking out my foot and tripping people, and then shoving some company pens in their face as they get to their feet. I think tomorrow I’ll be moving on to full-body tackles. My colleague thinks he’s pretty good at catching people in headlocks, so all I have to do is dive for the ankles.

When Dutch people finish with a date and want to split the check, what do they call it? They can’t call it “going Dutch.”

Do they say “Let us treat this matter in the egalitarian way invented by our ancestors”? Or maybe they automatically split the check, because they’re Dutch and they have no choice.

Which means that when an American dates a Dutch person and tries to pay for the meal, the Dutch person is likely to get very offended. “You have shamed me and you have shamed my family name. Go back to Amsterdam.”

5. I don’t think that dim sum is settling well.
4. Every museum should be required to carry the Exploratorium’s cool magnetic sand.
3. Can I call myself an “Impressionist” if I do a killer version of Fozzie the
Bear?
2. This exhibit is called “Eternal Egypt,” but none of these statues have noses.
1. Okay, so this guy could paint better than I can. But at least I’m not dead.

I’m forced to use AT&T for digital cable because they have a monopoly on the San Francisco Bay Area. They’re the only franchise available.

When I open up my AT&T bill, it’s more than the advertised fee. This is because in addition to the monthly service, I also pay a “franchise tax.”

So let me get this straight: I can only use one franchise, and then I pay an additional fee for the privilege.

I think I’d feel better if they just called it a “neener, neener, neener” tax.

I think it’s creepy that newspapers recycle content from dead authors. Charles Schultz and Ann Landers continue to grace the pages each day.

It’s not like Carolyn Keene, the original author of the Nancy Drew stories. After she died (and probably before), other writers wrote under the Carolyn Keene name to continue the series. But at least they were new stories.

I’d like to propose that the Ann Landers people hire the Nancy Drew people to keep the column going with new, fresh content every day. For example:

Dear Ann,
I can’t seem to find my missing chums! I’ve searched everywhere! My hunky but dim boyfriend, Ned Nickerson is no help, and my world-famous father detective seems stumped! Can you help?
-- Sleuth in Distress

Dear Sleuth,
Remember the clue you found in the secret attic. It contains a key that will unlock the whole crazy puzzle.
-- Anne

Q: How do you get Governor Gray Davis to change his position on an issue?
A: Tell him the check bounced.

You’re supposed to memoralize on Memorial Day, give thanks on Thanksgiving Day, and plant a tree on Arbor Day. But for some reason, you’re not supposed to work on Labor Day.

In this particular case, however, I really think it’s best not to ask too many questions.

My roommate’s cat and I treat each other with suspicion.

I’m suspicious of him because I know that if I ever shrink to ten inches, he’ll eat me like a chocolate malt ball. Sometimes this occurs to me when I’m petting him. He’s purring, I’m relaxed, and suddenly it hits me--"The status quo won’t necessarily last forever.”

For his part, he’s suspicious because I keep trying to get him to help out with the housework. Fair’s fair, right? He doesn’t pay rent. So I shove the vacuum cleaner at him, and he runs into the other room. Which technically ends the discussion, although I know he’s laughing to himself: “I’ve got him fooled; he really thinks I don’t know how to operate that thing.”

A long time ago I asked my aging, hippy-ish Algebra II teacher why I needed to know algebra, since I didn’t plan on using math in my profession.

“To be a better person,” she said.

What she should have said was: “Because eventually you’ll grow up and your brain will start to grow moss after you’ve deluged it with Robert Rodriguez movies and Afro Celt Sound System CDs, and you’ll desperately need the rigor that Algebra could have afforded you when you’re trying to write a CGI script that allows people to mail you from your web site using a form field rather than an ugly HTML tag.”

If she had said that, I would have started paying attention. Damn hippies.

In surfing The Times of India, I discovered that the predominant stock indexes in India are called SENSEX and NIFTY.

It would be so much nicer to play in that stock market. Let’s face it: Dow Jones sounds like a pirate.

“I lost $5,000 in Cisco last week.”

“Ahhrr, matey. You were taken by Dow Jones, scourge of the seven seas.”

And from a purely sound-association standpoint, NASDAQ sounds like a car wrapping around a telephone pole. “Look out! We’re going off the road!” **NASDAQ!**

In contrast, losing money in India would be a relatively benign experience.

“Boy, I sure lost my shirt on those curry stocks.”

“Cheer up, pal. At least it’s still NIFTY.”

Or:

“The bottom fell out of the elephant market. I’m broke.”

“Hey, man, remember what they say. Even when you’re not enjoying it as much as you used to, there’s no such thing as bad SENSEX.”

Rumors indicate that Josh Hartnett is in the running to play Superman in the next movie. This is the guy whose performance in “Pearl Harbor” made Ben Affleck look like a dedicated thespian of great skill and craft.

But I want to be fair about this. Although Hartnett is not qualified to play Superman, here are five other superheroes he’d be very good at:
5. Robin the Boy Wonder
4. Mr. Clean from the detergent commercials
3. The guy from the Wonder Twins
2. The girl from the Wonder Twins
1. McGruff the Crime Dog

Abu Nidal, a terrorist with over 1,000 suspected deaths to his credit, was recently found dead of multiple gunshot wounds. Two high-ranking Palestinian officials told the Associated Press that Nidal committed suicide. However, the officials were unable to explain how Nidal could have shot himself several times.

Does anyone else feel as though high-ranking officials aren’t even trying anymore?

I didn’t have the Internet growing up, so I immediately think anything online is cool. Sometimes I’m irrational about it. For example: I have never been to Denise’s Barber Shop, which is about four blocks from where I live, but they accept reservations online. I am therefore convinced that Denise is a world-class hair stylist who also knows judo, takes in stray animals, and plays a mean kazoo.

(It’s not just the web site, though. She also offers a service for the “follically challenged.” Back when they were passing out hair genes, I was doing jello shots and mistakenly mumbled about wanting something in a nice, gradual widow’s peak.)

I like my job, but working in marketing for a human resources company has its challenges. When people think about HR, they don’t think “sexy.” They think the evil Catbert from “Dilbert.” Or the fact that their friend just got laid off from Hewlett Packard. It’s not a good starting place for trying to build and promote a positive brand identity.

Sometimes I fantasize about coming into work one morning and being told: “We’re not really doing the benefits and payroll administration thing anymore. Instead, we’re selling these little cinnamon raisin tarts. We found the recipe in a drawer somewhere. The growth potential is excellent, our shareholders are thrilled, and they’re remarkably low calorie. Do you think you can run with this for a while?”