We all carry burdens with us as we move forward on our life’s journey, and I’ve recently realized that I have many unresolved issues in regards to Ryan Reynolds.

It has nothing to do with taking Scarlett Johannson off the market--he can have her.  Nevertheless, my issues with Reynolds are manifold:

1. First, I had a screenplay in mind a while back that Reynolds would have been perfect for, but I never finished it and shortly afterwards his star really took off.  So that’s annoying.

2. He ditched Alanis Morissette, and her music seems pretty angry to me.  What did he do to her?  I bet it wasn’t nice.

3. I am highly distrustful of his admittedly impressive trifecta of comic timing, perfect hair, and abs.  You can be funny or you can have abs, but you can’t have both. And he always shows them off in movies, which is annoying.  They tell you to turn off your cell phone in the movie--can they also tell Reynolds to sheathe his abs?

I’ll record the voiceover myself: “Please, be considerate of other patrons and keep your shirt on for the duration of this movie.  If you cannot comply, the usher will be by to kick you all the way back to Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.”

And finally, he’s got the same problem that Jude Law did a while back: he’s everywhere. In fact, it’s possible that he’s stalking me. I’ve seen several movies lately, and he’s been in all of them.

The Proposition.  First, you may be asking me why I saw a Sandra Bullock romantic comedy.  The answer is simple: shut up.  But you know, it could have been kind of good the way the first Miss Congeniality was.  Sandra Bullock is more naturally funny than the raptor-like Julia Roberts. But no--the experience of watching this movie made me long for the sweet, simple pleasures of a sucking chest wound.

Adventureland.  The main stars of this indie coming-of-age story are Jesse Eisenberg (recently in Zombieland) and Kristen Stewart from the Twilight movies. Reynolds has such a small part that I can only assume he took the role specifically to annoy me.

The Nines.  Reynolds is the star of this movie from writer/director John August, and I liked it quite a lot.  I suspect most people will have issues with the confusing story construction and the completely over-the-top ending, but John August, who wrote the brilliant Go, didn’t bore me once and brought his trademarked snappy dialogue, and so I enlist myself as this movie’s personal bodyguard.  Reynolds, however, takes off his shirt.

And finally, I got a chance to see Avatar.  You never know what you’re going to get with these CGI movies, but all I was hoping for was a little freedom from the burdens I carry in my everyday life.  Instead?  It was a lightning-fast frame of the film, but in the background of one of the Na’vi scenes, I could clearly see:

I’m as creeped out as you are.

Some people wonder when it’s necessary to enter into couples therapy.  Personally, I like to do it on the first date.

It’s pretty simple to do as long as I don’t tell her about it in advance.  I take her to dinner, maybe a couple of drinks, and Boom--Suddenly we’re inside an office with wood paneling and framed degrees on the wall.  I say, “Well, doctor, I think she thinks that I undertipped at the restaurant. It sounds trivial now, but it will escalate into major problems down the line.”

The best part is when she’s staring at me incredulously.  “See?” I like to point out.  “She’s completely dumbstruck.  This indicates a lack of trust and commitment.”

People tell me that they believe in therapy because it helps them “work” on themselves.  You know what I’m working on these days? My upstairs bathroom. The grouting is insane. Apparently, the former owners of my house thought that grout was like a gang sign and you should “tag” your bathroom.  The grouting is all over the place, kind of like Obama explaining why he’s committing more troops to Afghanistan. Unless therapy involves grouting, I categorically refuse to spend my free time “working” on anything.

None of this is to say that I don’t think that couples can’t benefit from a third party perspective.  I genuinely believe that people in love should visit someone who can assess them objectively, explain their current situation, and help them map out a path for the future. It’s just that I don’t call this individual a therapist--I call this person an accountant.

I’m not putting this here because I can’t say “I love you” to you, because I can; it’s just that I want to say it more than once, and use as many mediums as I can find.  I’d skywrite it above Pacbell Park if I could, interrupting the game and forcing everyone to crane their necks upward.  It wouldn’t matter if they didn’t understand the message--even though it’s left where they can find it, it’s not for them any more than hieroglyphics are for museum patrons.

I know you have to leave, and I never expected you to stay forever, and so now I want to tell you that there have been times in my life when I’ve needed strength, and I had strength, and the strength was yours.  There have been times in my life when I’ve needed courage, and I found courage, and the courage was yours.  There have been times in my life when I’ve needed wisdom, and I found wisdom, and the wisdom was yours.  I wasn’t able to get all of it, but I was able to learn something about how you used yours, and then I was able to use part of it for myself.

And it’s not just me.  People around you are attracted to those qualities in you and often stand in awe of them.  And you’re able to share them, to allow other people to gain the benefit of them.  Here, perhaps this will be an analogy that you like: you create a thermodynamically favorable reaction--you transfer your qualities to others and they receive the energy, like a transition from a high-energy state to a low-energy state.

That doesn’t quite add up?  Well, you know that kind of talk isn’t my comfort zone.  It’s the thought that counts.

I know there’s no way to make this easier on myself, and I find that all I really want to do is make it easier on you.  So maybe I’ll just remind you of a few things: for those who won’t have a chance to know you, I will tell them all about you and their heads will fill up with images of you.  Pictures and videos and stories will be passed on from person to person. It will be easy to remember you because no one will ever have forgotten.  And through the cycles of forgetting and remembrance, they will also carry the embers of your strength, wisdom, and courage.  Your store of these qualities is tremendous and it is not so easily depleted.

I understand that we may not meet again, but even if we did, saying “Until we meet again” is a cop out: that’s not what I want to say.  I want to say that I’m glad that we met at all, that I knew you and for so long, and even though I wish it were longer, I’m still grateful for the time we had.  And I want to say “Goodbye” and I want to say “I love you.” And I will keep saying it until you have to leave, and I will probably continue saying it for some time, even if you can no longer hear me.