I am starting to rethink my interest in voting for Obama.  Every single president has aged drastically while in office.  Take the once handsome Bill Clinton, for example:

The ravages of constant stress take their toll, and no president escapes unscathed.

Therefore, think what might happen if McCain becomes president.  He already looks like this:

By the end of his term, I think he’d have an extremely good chance of resembling the Marvel Comics character Ghost Rider:

Wouldn’t that be worth a measly four-year term to see?  Completely cool.

On second thought, the dangers probably outweigh the benefits. For example, here’s a screenshot of McCain’s VP pick, Sarah Palin, doing an Anchorage sportscast back in 1988:

It may have been the times, but I think that hairstyle would raise doubts and mistrust in anyone. Once a Saved by the Bell extra, always a Saved by the Bell extra.  She can spin this right round baby, right round.

My nice blog friend Sarah B.--who has been one of my favorite writers, in any medium, for years--wrote a book that went on sale today. It’s called Cringe, and it features diaries and journal entries from a variety of teens and pre-teens, along with candid commentary from the adult selves of those young wordsmiths.

Unfortunately, I have a few paragraphs in the book as well.  But it’s my solemn promise that I don’t louse up the joint too badly; my contribution is quickly skimmed through so you can move on to the real purveyors of angst and comedy.

It makes a great gift for anybody--preferably for someone who likes to read and laugh, but also for people who need something solid to prop up a table leg.  Check it out.

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.

And I say this even though it is a period of civil war in the galaxy, in the sense that a brave Alliance of underground freedom fighters has challenged the tyranny and oppression of the awesome galactic empire.

So anyway, so long. And thanks for all the fish.

Having a drink in an outside patio with my friend and colleague:

SHE: Oh my god. There’s a spider on the wall. Kill it. KILL IT.

ME: Here, I’ll remove it with this menu--

SHE: NO.  Not good enough.

(STOMP)

ME: Hey! I was going to deposit it in those bushes.  That was a living thing.  Aren’t you a believer in God, and stuff?

SHE: Whatever. It was a spider.

ME: We are all spiders in the eyes of the Lord. Didn’t you ever read Jonathan Edwards’s Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God?

SHE: What, the senator who was just caught cheating on his wife?

ME: Hmm. Now that you mention it, it’s kind of interesting they have the same name.

Bonus conversation with someone totally different!

SHE: You should have been the wedding I was at this weekend. It was Star Wars themed.

ME: .....

SHE: Great Darth Vader cake.

ME: ....just tell me that they’re not planning on having children.

SHE: They’re hoping for twins.  So they can name them Luke and Leia.

There’s been a series of “takeover” style robberies in Oakland, the city where I live.  When I first read about them in the paper, I thought it said “takeout” robberies. And I was totally understanding of that; there’s a place on Piedmont Avenue that charges ten bucks for a lousy prawn burrito.  I figured the article was going to explain all the other takeout robberies occurring throughout the city.

But no, a “takeover robbery” is where the bad guys storm into a place when customers are still there, and they demand all sorts of money and cash.  Suspects in the robberies have now been taken into custody, and I’m not surprised at all, because it’s really impossible to do a takeover robbery in Oakland.  You’d have to say “EVERYONE GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR,” and people would look at the floor--and all floors in Oakland restaurants look about the same--and say “You know what, we’ll take our chances with the jerks with the guns.”

I assume they’re now pulling in witnesses to identify the suspects, and people are all “Yeah, that’s the @*&@ who told me to get down on the floor.  Told ME to get down on a floor in an Oakland restaurant without even letting me put saran wrap down first--me, with a wife and two kids. I hope he fries.”

The police asked for “help” identifying the robbers, which really annoyed me.  What other civil servants ask for help?  Does the post office ask for help with all the holiday packages around Christmas time?  The public is asking the police for help so we can go out and have a ten dollar prawn burrito in peace without being asked to hit the floor, but they just turn it around and say “No, we need your help.” And people wonder why billionaires put on black body armor and fight crime.

I do listen very closely every time they ask for help, though. They usually say that there’s a reward for anyone who identifies a suspect who is subsequently arrested for the crime.  I think, hey, these people are busy and overworked. What if they forget to leave off that last disclaimer? They might simply offer a reward for anyone who identifies a suspect. I’d call them up and say “There’s a guy I work with who talk loudly on the phone and smells funny, and for all I know he did the robberies too. You ought to check him out.  Can you direct deposit my reward money?”

It’s not often that I get to do exclusive interviews on this site, but today I’m proud to present an interview with the individual who is currently one of the most famous, successful, and admired individuals in the world at the moment--Batman.  He had a rough start as an orphan who lost his parents to crime, but then he bounced back by waging war on the underworld and devoting himself to the protection of his city.

	Welcome, Batman, and congrats on being in the summer’s biggest blockbuster.
	I am vengeance.
	You bet you are.  And listen, with boffo box office for your recent film, you must be feeling pretty good about yourself.  What do you think is the secret of your success?
	I am vengeance.
	Yeah, look, that’s actually the main thing I wanted to ask you.  That thing you’re doing right there--it’s the only thing about you that really gets on my nerves.
	You dare?  You dare question that vengeance is my mission, my purpose, my birthright?
	No no. The vengeance thing is great. In fact, I pretty much feel the same way whenever someone cuts in front of me without using a turn signal.  But I was referring to your voice.
	What’s wrong with my voice?
	You’re way overdoing the deep, raspy thing. It pulled me out of the first movie, and the second one was great but the voice still bothered me.  Michael Keaton didn’t over do it--hell, even George Clooney handled the dual personas without drawing too much attention to himself. So what’s your problem?
	What exactly are you saying?
	I’m saying that when young Bruce Wayne went in search of great teachers, such as martial artists and world-famous detectives, you should have gone a little heavier on the vocal coaches and a little lighter on the method actors.
	YOU ARE ALIGNED WITH EVIL AND VILLAINY. YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH.
	And you know what’s even more annoying? You do it in front of people like Rachel and Lucius, who know who you are.  I’m surprised they’re not all ‘Bruce, we get it, you’re a badass. Now stop pretending you have a 6-pack a day habit.’ What is the third movie in the series going to be called, anyway? “Batman Enunciates”?
	......
	...Batman?...
	......
	Okay!  I totally meant to end the interview early.  So that’s it for now.  Be here next time when we ask The Hulk why Dora the Explorer looks more realistic and three-dimensional than he does.