BlogBimbo
Theme: Gathering of women who post scantily-clad pictures of themselves in front of bathroom mirrors holding digital cameras.
Most popular panel: “My Father was Mean to Me.”
BlogBohunk
Theme: Gathering of men who constantly post pictures of their abs.
Most popular panel: “My Mother was Mean to Me.”
BlogBotox
Theme: Gathering of people who blog about plastic surgery and/or constantly update their blog templates.
Most popular panel: “Eliminating age lines while Improving Adsense Click Throughs.”
BlogBust
Theme: Gathering of people who don’t really blog but rather post favorite links.
Most popular panel: “Conferences We Recommend You Go to Instead of This One.”
BlogBiatch
Theme: Gathering of people who gossip and make snarky comments about other bloggers.
Most popular panel: “We Could Have Been Dooce if We Had Really Wanted.”
BlogHex
Theme: Gathering of blog wiccans.
Most popular panel: “Where to Find the Best Glittery Unicorn Icons for your Template.”
BlogBreeders
Theme: Gathering of Mom and Dad bloggers.
Most popular panel: None. The Moms are busy scarfing down martinis and the Dads are Googling old girlfriends.
BlogBored
Theme: Gathering of people who start every other post with “I’ve really had nothing to say lately.”
Most popular topic: “This Panel isn’t About Anything in Particular but we Needed to Fill Space.”
More about Blogher here. And hell, here’s more about Bloghim.
Posted by Greg at 08:30 AM on 05/30/07
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Things that have given me pause lately:
Having dinner at a friend’s house, I responded to a surprising comment by pronouncing the letters “O-M-G”! My friend’s adorable 10-year old daughter looked at me, eyes as round as frisbees, and correctly identified the lexicon that I was referencing: “You IM?!” Why yes young lady, I do instant message. What is up with that? When I was ten, I didn’t presume that my parents only communicated using stone tablets. Why, the very thought of it is enough to make me ROFL, which I believe stands for Running on Floral Linen.
At the Giants game with my brother and his family, AT&T park went bananas when someone stepped up to bat. I was told that it was Barry Bonds, whom even I know to be some kind of famous athletic figure:
But after all this craziness, Bonds only hit a single. What’s up with that? I hit a single once back when I played in little league, and no one really cared. What’s he got that I haven’t got? Aside from talent.
I always find it interesting that America, in its unconscious yet Puritan-inspired sort of way, coined the term “sex life” as though sex was apart from our regular day-to-day existence to the point that it merited its own unique category. Isn’t it just all just “life”? And if we’re going to start carving off bits of our time here and compartmentalizing them, why stop there? For example, I’m very invested in my cereal life. I pay a lot of attention to cereal. I like a lot of variety in my cereal. Sometimes I spice up my cereal with raisins and walnuts. And although it’s good to have crispy flakes, it’s a good idea to call the doctor if the flakes stay crunchy in milk for more than four hours.
Can the couplet
Objects in mirror
May be closer than they appear
Be considered slant rhyme?
Posted by Greg at 09:12 AM on 05/28/07
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I passed one of those electric signs by the highway today. The strange thing is, I take that route twice a day and I don’t remember seeing an electric sign there before. It said
“CLICK IT OR TICKET”
With God as my witness, I couldn’t figure out what this sign was trying to say.
Click your cell phone off so you wouldn’t crash?
Turn your headlights on because it was foggy today?
Get a ballpoint pen ready in case you need to scribble out a jaunty sketch?
Pleasure yourself in the car?
I actually had to Google it when I got home and found out that it’s the part of a national campaign designed to promote seat belt usage. Which I’m sure you realized immediately, but for some reason didn’t occur to me at all. I don’t know where my head is at lately. But I was disappointed to solve the mystery, and kind of wish I hadn’t bothered. I think I liked the sign better as a strange, glowing non-sequitur--a little bit of surreal poetry beaming at me from the highway. Like when someone asks you to pass the creamed potatoes, but you’re only half listening and so you only hear “Please know that I often dream of tornadoes.”
Posted by Greg at 06:04 AM on 05/16/07
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One trick I’ve learned over the years is to keep an eye on pop culture to make sure that I’m facing no threats to my current way of life. Right now I’m on high alert, because I’ve noticed that “Dance Revolution” is surfacing everywhere. It started out as a popular arcade game, became a home game, and now it’s a television show. And my question is--what if there really is a dance revolution? What if all of this seemingly innocuous entertainment is a cover for an army of frenetic disco insurgents?
There would be no place for me in society if the dance revolutionaries win. I am not exhibiting a lack of self confidence when I say this, and I happen to love dance music. It’s just that I know my strengths and weaknesses, and being a good dancer is not one of my strengths.
If worst comes to worst, I’ll be a conscientious objector. Which will raise eyebrows and no doubt mark me as a pariah in the new order. But like I said, I know my limits. And it will give me time to foment my own revolution. I haven’t determined the exact politics yet, but it will be something about people who like to eat raw cookie dough and hate talking to people in elevators. And unlike the bunch of glory hogs currently plotting to overthrow the government, my revolution will not be televised.
Posted by Greg at 06:33 AM on 05/14/07
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Things that have made me happy lately:
Hosting my friend Wendy this week while she’s on vacation from her foreign service post in Afghanistan. However, I was disappointed that she didn’t bring me some poppies.
Passing a sign in a jeweler’s window that reads “WATCH BATTERIES DONE RIGHT.” Thank God for that. I’m so tired of people screwing up this highly difficult and sophisticated process. How many times have I asked for new watch batteries, only to have some incompetent say “No problem. Please open up your right nostril so we can insert the battery, which will be linked to your watch by means of this cable wire.”
Exchanging email pleasantries with John August after he linked to me on his screenwriting blog. Go was funny!
Realizing that I could have a Coffee Name.
Background:
- (I order coffee)
- Yes, and your name?
- Greg.
- Craig?
- Greg.
- Gary?
- GREG.
- Oh right! It’s those names with all the vowels.
- Yeah, I always forget just to say “Jim” or something.
- Yes! Everyone needs a coffee name.
From now on, Greg no longer orders coffee. But BARTHOLOMEW does.
Putting titles on posts that have nothing to do with the content.
Posted by Greg at 01:04 PM on 05/09/07
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I spent an unremarkable weekend cleaning my place and toiling over an urgent project for work, but at least I had the chance to take out and set up my new decanter:
I received this as a gift last month, and I was very glad to get it because it’s absolutely crucial for the kind of person that I want to become.
Which isn’t to say that I spend a lot of time drinking. That is, unless it’s past 10 a.m. But a decanter is important because it’s the perfect prop to have when you’re saying or doing something malevolent that furthers your personal agenda.
For example, you could simply say “Well, senator, I’m not sure what the press will make of those photographs I have of your daughter. It would be a shame if they were to suddenly see the light of day.”
Kind of boring. But say that same phrase while getting up from behind your desk, opening a decanter, and slowly pouring yourself a drink.
“...it would be a shame if they were to suddenly see the light of day.”
See? It changes everything. The ambience. The intonation. It’s all in the decanter.
This is an important clue that Harry Osborne may be an okay guy. In Spider-Man 3, there’s a scene where he rushes into a room and quickly starts chugging a decanter of whiskey. This is a troubled young man. He is not one to sidle up and slowly pour himself a drink; he inhales it. A true supervillain would not do such a thing. It suggests that he is, deep in his heart, a steadfast companion to young Peter Parker.
My only problem is that I don’t have a lot of sinister conversations at home. I’m thinking of taking the decanter to work. At my department meeting I can hand out copies of the project I did this weekend, then get up from my seat and slowly pour myself a drink: “Of course, this is only half of the output. If you’d like the rest of the analysis, I’m going to need a 30% raise. Or I simply can’t promise that my computer won’t suffer an unfortunate....accident.”
Posted by Greg at 06:04 AM on 05/07/07
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I have a hard time with commitment.
Maybe it’s the fear? Of taking that first step, only to be hurt like so many times before?
People tell me “Fear is poison. Fear is worthless. Don’t fear commitment. Take that step.”
But I have been hurt so many times before.
Even now, the pain of each past failure is still with me, digging into my heart like tiny shards of glass.
Twin Peaks. Cupid. Firefly.
Each one cancelled before its time.
I thought I had learned from these experiences. I thought my heart had hardened. I thought I grown past my youthful optimism. But no--when FOX announced the TV series Drive, I thought it sounded cool. A fun, mystery-filled premise. Some actors I liked. So I foolishly rushed in as though I was nineteen years old again. I set my TIVO to record the show with a Season Pass.
And I liked it. It wasn’t great television, but it was good. I wanted to know what happened next.
And what happened? FOX cancelled it after only two episodes.
I should have known better. I should have realized that a good thing never lasts. I should have known not to open myself up again. To make myself vulnerable. Particularly FOX, which has a record of not giving a shows a chance to find their--
Dear Reader,
This is the FOX network. Unfortunately, we’re forced to cancel the Geese Aplenty post currently in progress on May 3, 2007. We liked the idea when we heard it, but the post just isn’t attracting the demographic we hoped for. We may burn off the rest of the post in the summer, but no promises. We do hope to work with Greg again on a post that’s more suited for the FOX’s vision. Hopefully a post with a little more formula. Our audience likes easy formulas. Anyway, the rest of this post will be replaced with a rerun of House, already in progress.
HOUSE: ....an impressive display of buttocks, Cuddy.
(Suddenly stops short in amazement)
WILSON: He just had the epiphany that will lead us to unlocking this week’s medical mystery, didn’t he?
CAMERON: Of course. It’s 42 minutes into the episode, isn’t it?
Posted by Greg at 06:05 AM on 05/03/07
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