Some conservatives are claiming that the hit documentary March of the Penguins epitomizes their values, and that the actions of the penguins affirm traditional norms like monogamy, sacrifice and child-rearing.

Conservatives believe that the movie epitomizes other values as well:

The War in Iraq.  “Those penguins struggled through ice and snow and they didn’t even have any armor,” claimed White House spokesperson Scott McClellan.  “Clearly the reports about our boys in the middle east not having enough armor are greatly exaggerated.”

School vouchers. Even though the penguins’ struggle across the arctic wilderness represents a bold, heroic struggle, wouldn’t it be nice if the younger penguins could get some assistance for private school so they wouldn’t have to go through all that?

Intelligent design.  “Look!” say leading conservative scientists.  “I mean...penguins. That totally proves intelligent design!  Just look at them!  Duh!”

Gay sex.  Conservative commentators point out that penguins cannot have gay sex because they do not have proper buttocks; therefore, they are all heterosexual and thus anointed by God.

However, leading liberal critics have claimed the movie for themselves as well:

Social security. The fact that penguins don’t save for retirement proves that we require a social safety net to protect the underprivileged in their old age.

Global warming. The penguins wouldn’t have to march so hard if so much of the ice hadn’t melted due to SUVs and people not recycling.

School vouchers.  All that marching wouldn’t be necessary if all penguins had a good education from a good public school, and you won’t get that with a voucher program that diverts resources from the public sector.

Gay sex.  Penguins don’t appear to have genitalia, proving that the categories of “man” and “woman” are simply socially constructed categories and we all can live in a utopia free of the oppressive restrictions of race, gender, or class.

And what do the penguins have to say about their role in the controversy?  One of the actors from the movie recently went on record with his thoughts:

“Here’s a thought: Shut the hell up.  We’re penguins. Get it?  Not humans.  We don’t wear tuxedos, we’re not cute and cuddly, and we sure as hell don’t represent your dumbass politics or moral beliefs.  Perhaps you’ve heard of ‘anthromorphizing,’ in which humans project their own traits upon animals?  Well, here’s what happens when we practice ‘penguiphizing,’ in which we project our own traits upon humans:  we see a bunch of do-nothing slobs who sit around flapping their yaps and avoiding the actual business of life and survival.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got some marching to do.”

Concerned Women for America are accusing Starbucks of promoting a homosexual agenda because a quote from Armistead Maupin appears on the back of some of their cups.

CWA’s intervention comes a moment too soon; statistics show that an increasing number of straight men have wandered into the coffee chain and burst into tears after hearing Alanis Morrissette piped in through the speakers.  Anecdotal evidence suggests that many of them have whispered to themselves, “Sing it, sister.”

No word on whether CWA is also going to boycott those $10 mugs with gaudy floral patterns, although they have expressed an interest in getting male barristas to wear something other than a green apron.

Concerned Women for Amercia’s official charter includes a list of national “concerns” that they feel they need to address, such as:

On Friday I had some things to celebrate so the other Greg and I went to see Transporter 2.  For a while, we thought we might be the only people in the theater--but at the last moment three other people trickled in.  That’s okay.  Let’s do a rundown of the times I’ve had the entire theater to myself:

The year: 1986.  The movie: Short Circuit with my friend Donovan.  Actions taken: None.  Sat and watched the movie.

The year: 2000.  The movie: Godzilla 2000 with, well...I was bored that day, okay?  Actions taken:  None.  Sat and watched the movie.

The point is, I didn’t do anything special.  It’s not like a private screening where you get interviewed afterwards by Jules Asner, although that would be cool because then you’d have a chance to punch her in the face.

If you’re interested in your own private screening, just look for the common thread that unites Short Circuit, Godzilla 2000, and Transporter 2.  Give up?  NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO GO SEE THEM.  So off you go to enjoy the new Rob Schneider movie without other people ruining your cinema experience.

On Friday my friend Frank came over for turkey burgers.  I said to my barbeque, “Let’s go, dude.” My barbeque said, “Hello, check out the THICK LAYER OF DUST, Microwave Boy.  I’m not cooking squat for you.” So I rammed some charcoal down its throat and it eventually coughed up some slabs of meat.

Frank said to me, “You should post more pictures of your niece on your web site.” I have no idea what she said this; Frank isn’t a breeder yet and doesn’t seem inclined to be impressed by baby pictures.  But perhaps she just has good taste in nieces.  Or maybe she feels guilty because she’s kicking my ass in online Scrabble (sample word from me:  THE sample word from Frank: QUIXOTIC) Anyway, her comments were fortuitous because on Sunday, my brother sent new pictures of Cameron, including this one:

Which provoked the following email exchange:

- OMG I love the pic of her with the big fuzzy animal.

- Greg, that’s a goat.

- Oh, so you’re Marlin Perkins now?

What the hell do I know?  It sort of looks like a Heffalump, and besides it’s eating her hand and I think that’s first order of concern anyway.

Also on Sunday I sent out an Evite for my October party in which some friends come over and we watch horror movies.  That’s right--we’re going to watch the entire C-Span proceedings of the John Roberts confirmation hearings.  HA!  That’s comedy you can take to the bank.  No, it’s actually Sleepaway Camp and some others.  If you didn’t receive an Evite, it’s because I already know you hate horror movies or you live too far away or I have no idea who you are.  But you can still come over as long as you have some semblance of personal hygiene and you don’t give away the twist ending to Sleepaway Camp because people like you made The Sixth Sense--as well as the 2000 Presidential elections--a miserable experience for everyone.

A federal court judge ruled today that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is unconstitutional, saying that the pledge’s reference to “under God” violates the rights of school children to be “free from a coercive requirement to affirm God.” The suit is the second by atheist Michael Newdow, who has been trying for five years to remove the pledge from public classrooms.

You might think that I’m in favor of this action, given that I’m not especially religious, but I think it’s ridiculous.  What a waste of time.

Kids are too stupid to understand what they’re saying when they recite the pledge, so they’re not going to be unduly influenced either way by the expression “Under God.” Take me, for example.  For years, I thought “freedom ring” was actually pronounced “free, dumb ring.” You can imagine what my family trip to the east coast was like:

“Look Greg, this is the Liberty Bell!”

“So what?  I want to see the Free, Dumb Ring.”

What’s up with atheists running around and complaining about the Pledge of Allegiance?  If they have that much time on their hands, I wish they’d come over to my place to do my laundry.  At the very least, they should read a story by Flannery O’Connor called Wise Blood.  It’s about a man who is so vocal and emphatic about the non-existence of God that it quickly becomes apparent that he’s actually a fervent believer.  These people are the equivalent of frat guys named Chad who go around calling everyone “faggot”; they’re clearly protesting too much.

But let’s look at the issue rationally.  If the pledge is causing that much controversy, maybe we should just do away with it altogether.  After all, Congress only formalized it in 1942 (and added the “Under God” language in 1954).  That’s pretty recent.  American Bandstand wasn’t on the air for much longer than that, and how many people consider that a sacred totem of our culture?

We would have to find something to replace the pledge, though, since California law requires that public elementary schools conduct “appropriate patriotic exercises” at the beginning of the school day.  Allow me to make some suggestions:

I always sit down with my company’s new salespeople and walk them through our collateral, web site, and public relations material.  A lot of what I do with my time is create tools to help them close business, and I always want to make sure they understand the resources they have available.  That’s what I was doing this morning with one of our newest hires.

I said, “Now, here’s a brochure that you’d probably only want to use with prospects who need--”

“Are you the Optimizer?” she asked.

I blinked.  “What?”

She repeated, “Are you the Optimizer?  I was hoping I’d find the person in the company who’s the Optimizer.”

“Well, I suppose I’ve probably used the word at some point, but...well, for example, we recently resigned the web site so that it’s more efficient at generating leads for the sales team.  I also work with a vendor to make minor adjustments to the copy in order to score higher in search engine rankings, which is our search engine optimization project--”

She said excitedly, “Exactly!  It’s you!  You’re the Optimizer!”

And all I could think of was that it’s nice that someone besides myself has finally realized that I deserve my own superhero code name, but did it have to be that one?  Because that would be the most boring comic book ever. 

I haven’t written a novel yet.  My friends have given up asking me if I’m working on anything creative, but the fact is, I’m always thinking about it.  Part of the problem--aside from my inherent laziness and lack of discipline--is I can’t even decide what genre to work in.  Frivolous or serious?  Fantasy or realism? I love them all.

As a result, brainstorming about a potential long-form creative writing project is extremely difficult.  Inside my head, it generally takes the form of Young Farrah Fawcett arguing with Old Farrah Fawcett, like so:

“Ha.  You know what would be cool?  A teen comedy about a nerd who finds a magic letterman jacket which gives him powers and he can make girls’ clothes disappear, and stuff.”

“That is not a worthwhile project.  Life is long, hard, and onerous.  Write a serious fiction about a family torn apart by secrets and drama.”

“Okay okay okay. How about a crazy, madcap road trip with lots of funny dialogue, breakneck action, and nakedness?  No wait--maybe it should be nudity, and not nakedness.”

“Ply your talents to achieve a pinnacle of high art.  Deliver a tragic story of a friendship ravaged by the perils of time.”

“The adventures of a bunch of hot girls recruited from the police department to go on special missions...”

“...who eventually grow old and die.”

“I guess we’re not going to resolve this right now.  Let’s go watch TV.”

“Sounds good.  Charlie’s Angels?”

“Absolutely."

I was very interested to see that Jennifer Garner does a recruiting pitch on the CIA’s official employment site.  If you’re anything like me, you trust Jennifer as a subject matter expert and have been impressed with her careful and strategic approach to field work in the service of our country.  And you probably want to know what she has to say to prospective young recruits.

But you probably don’t want to wait for a long, clunky video to load and play.  Therefore, I’ve decided to help out by providing a transcript below:

“I’m Jennifer Garner.  I play a CIA officer on the ABC TV series Alias. In the real world, the CIA serves as our country’s first line of defense in the ongoing war against international terrorism.  Right now, the CIA has important, exciting jobs for US citizens.

The only part about the job that kind of sucks is wearing all those wigs.  And the skintight outfits. They ride up in back, and sometimes get in the way of completing the mission.  Travel is a bit rough too; sometimes you have to jet around the world in a manner of minutes, and that creates some serious jet lag.

However, I’m here to tell you that the whole bit about CIA life ruining personal relationships is a complete myth. Take me, for example. I’ve been able to rebuild my relationship my distant father, and although I had a rocky start with my mother--who was a double agent and Russian assassin--we’re doing pretty well now.

Of course, my first fiancee was killed by a clandestine terrorist organization and my second fiancee also appears to be a double agent, but hey, that could happen in any job.

So by all means:  Join the CIA and be just like me.  Unless you’re fat, old, or ugly, in which case we don’t want you.  The FBI might, though.  You might want to touch bases with Gillian Anderson on that.”

Faced with a growing political crisis over the catastrophe in New Orleans, as well as the need to confirm John Roberts as the next Supreme Court Justice, George Bush has made the unprecedented suggestion that the late William Rehnquist continue in his current position.

“Frankly, I’m completely maxed out,” Bush told reporters earlier today.  “I’ve got all this stuff to deal with.  And now I have to push another nominee through the confirmation process?  Forget it.  Let’s just keep Rehnquist.”

Bush explained, “My supporters expect me to put in a Justice with a conservative ideology--just like Rehnquist.  So why not keep the original around?”

Surprisingly, democratic leaders were open to the suggestion.

“The President will just nominate another Rehnquist clone anyway,” said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.  “We might as well keep the original.  Saves time for everyone.  Better the devil you know, y’know?”

Bush did appear confused, however, when asked if he was ready for an onslaught of inevitable Weekend at Bernie’s jokes. “Who is Bernie?  Everyone knows I vacation at Camp David,” he snapped.  “And yes, I’ve heard all the jokes.  But the fact of the matter is, being President is tough.  I need a lot of vacation so I can clear brush and fish.  When other people try being President for a while, then they can complain.”

It was thought that the President’s plan wouldn’t work, since being Supreme Court Justice is only supposed to be a lifetime appointment.  However, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that this had already been dealt with.

“An earlier version of the Patriot Act removed the ‘lifetime appointment’ language.  It’s now completely legal for Justice Rehnquist to continue on the court long into death.  It’s just one of those little changes we made that no one really notices until it actually comes up.”