I thought I was watching the Democratic National Convention to kill time and enjoy the glitz. I didn’t expect to fall in love.

Everyone else is talking about that Barack Obama creep, or that guy who shagged his intern.  I don’t care about them.  They’re lame.

How can I describe the first moment when I saw Stephanie Herseth, 34-year old senator from South Dakota?  CNN calls you a rising young star.  I call you: The Future Mrs. Aplenty.

Together we can share so much:

- We were both talking about potluck etiquette earlier, and I wanted to ask your opinion about it.  Single people have to bring a whole dish to a potluck, and you’d expect couples to bring two dishes, but we’ve noticed that most couples only bring one dish--

- You’re asking Greg about this?  Okay, but be careful because he’ll have strong opinions about--

- Damn right most couples only bring one dish.  Single people essentially act as a kind of potluck proletariat, forced to do most of the work to subsidize the entire event while couples do half the work and reap twice the benefit.  It’s a class system that perpetuates itself time and time again.  Couples should bring two dishes.  There’s two of them.  Hence the term “couple.”

- The funny thing is, we always bring two dishes.  I think it’s because we were friends before we got married, so we’re still kind of independent, and we’re used to doing things separately, like bringing dishes to potlucks.

- Well, that’s why I’ve always seen the two of you as freedom fighters, of a sort.

- But whenever we bring two dishes, people are surprised.  They say ‘We only expected you to bring one dish because you’re a couple.’

- That just goes to show you how our society gets used to injustice.  When people see justice, they don’t recognize it.  They’re like, ‘What is this?  I don’t know what this is.  It’s certainly not justice.  It must be something else entirely.’

Unhappy because:

That’s Grey Goose vodka in that martini glass.

In sum: Reasonably happy. 

Posted by Greg at 02:14 AM on 07/22/04

Link to This

It figures--literally two days after I obtain a 15 GB Ipod, Apple phases it out.  It’s obsolete.  You can now only purchase 20 and 40 GB models.

Can someone explain to me why anyone needs a 40 GB Ipod?  That’s 10,000 songs.  “Yeah, honey, I’m taking the Ipod and going out for a jog.  I’ll be back after I circle around THE PLANET OF NEPTUNE.  Let me know if you’d like me to pick something up from THE REACHES OF DEEP SPACE.”

Look, we all believe that “Stairway to Heaven” should be a shorter song--but hello, can we say “overcompensation”?

In other news: Hey, it’s a Lord of the Rings & the Hobbit Audio CD dramatization.  And an an Xbox cable.  And a 7-piece Popeye set.  And silver age Batman & Robin.  And a 2-pack Episode I & II DVD set.  And a Radiohead CD.  Boy, I loved that smash hit song of theirs, “Jerk.” What is all this?  Why, it must be my friend James selling a bunch of stuff.*

*Okay, James, I did it.  But if anyone other than you or me actually knows who Mervyn Pumpkinhead is, I’ll smuggle a Harry Potter book out of the National Archives.

I hate to be thinking macabre thoughts at a company picnic, but seriously: what is up with the whole pinata thing?  You reward the kids who prove their ability to bash the hell out of something that resembles a living creature.

I can just see the confessions that murderers make on Death Row: “Sure, I killed him, because I was trying to take over the drug cartel.  And also, he made a move on my girlfriend.  And also, I had this strange, half-buried feeling that it would be a good way to access loads of creamy nougat.”

People who first begin to explore the continent of Africa often become confused when they encounter the country of Chad--a seemingly American-sounding name nestled inbetween such exotic locales as Nigeria and the Central African Republic.  Many times, they simply shrug their shoulders and move on.

What they don’t realize is, it’s not a coincidence.  The country of Chad is actually a 19-year old male from Pella, Wisconsin named Chad Donaldson.  Popular in high school and generally thought of as an All-American Boy, Chad found himself increasingly restless after graduation.

“My friends just wanted to get drunk and go cow tipping,” Chad says.  “I had bigger dreams.  I couldn’t get into a state college, so eventually I thought about becoming an African country.”

Finding success with his bold move has meant having to field curious questions from complete strangers.  “People I don’t even know will talk to me,” Chad says with a smile.  “They ask me if I look up women’s skirts. I have to explain that the bond between a country and his people is a sacred thing.  I don’t go around checking out the chicks just because I’m, y’know, everywhere.”

Having at first ridiculed the young pioneer for his offbeat career decision, many of Chad’s friends have since changed their minds.  Some of them have even talked about following in his footsteps.  “Oh sure, I get that a lot,” Chad says.  “My best friend Biff wants to become a country right next to me--so we’d be, y’know, the country of Chad and the country of Biff.  I had to tell him, look man, that would be great--but you got Libya here and you got Cameroon there, and so all the slots are pretty much full.”

Some people feel that Martha Stewart got off light with a short five-month stint in prison, but there’s a little-known addendum to the sentence: she’ll be forced to sleep on linens and sheets from the “Martha Stewart Everyday” Kmart collection.

All people who don’t articulate their phone numbers on voice mails will incur my severest wrath.  Those who will be first up against the wall include:

The seduction practice.  This caller plans to have relations with his or her spouse that evening, so the phone number becomes a training ground for low, breathy tones.  “It was great meeting you last week.  If you’d like to follow up, just give me a call at (breath breath breath oooh baby I want it I want it) and try me during the morning because that’s the best time to ravage--I mean, reach me.”

The Two-for-Zeroes.  Some people repeat their phone number twice and still screw it up.  “I can be reached at (mumble mumble mumble).  Wait, let me say that one more time, but this time in Roman numerals played backwards.  That’ll be fun!  Ha ha ha ha!  Whoops, wait a minute, I’m very stupid, I accidentally put my tongue into a pencil sharpener.”

The literary readings.  The worst is when they mumble the number at the end of a very long call so you can’t retrieve the number unless you listen to their incompetence all over again.  “I definitely think there’s an opportunity for us to work together.  And by the way, I just read this fabulous book called Moby Dick, and I’d like to do a dramatic reading of it for you....blah blah blah blah blah....’Chapter 57.  And then we lowered Queequeg into a coffin.’ Cool, huh?  Okay, I can be reached at (mumble mumble mumble).”

First up against the wall.  And many more to follow.

Who received the judges’ highest rating during a cold call role play with a bunch of salespeople even though I’m not in sales:

ME

Who received the judges’ highest rating during a sales call role play with a bunch of salespeople even though I’m not in sales:

ME

Who has never sold anything effectively, as proven back in cub scouts with a bunch of candy, junior high with a bunch of catalogs, young adulthood with a screenplay, and just about any other time you could point to:

ME

Who suspects there may be something fundamentally flawed about this whole new sales method:

ME

I’ve been a cheapskate pretty much all my life, but I think I’m beginning to get past that.  I’ve become much more accustomed to picking up the check.  Of course, I simply look at it, put it down, and push it to the person sitting across from me, but my point is: baby steps.

“Every day I put it off, more people get married.”
--Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, explaining his urgency in passing a constitutional amendment that bans gay marriage

YEARS AND YEARS AGO:

Scene: School playground.  5-year old Billy Frist wanders along forlornly, clutching his lunch money.  He smells bad and looks like a dork.  He’s obviously a creep.

Two boys who are best friends play catch.

Billy: I want to play catch too!

Boys:  Get lost, creep.

They bean Billy with a baseball and leave.  Billy clutches his fist and waves it at the sky.

Billy: I swear that I will wage a war on all males who have a very close relationship and/or emotional bond!  I will pass a constitutional amendment if need be!

Two girls jumping rope come skipping along the grass.

Billy:  I want to skip rope too!

Girls: Get lost, creep.

They push past Billy, knocking him against a nearby building.  Billy clutches his fist and waves it at the sky.

Billy: I swear that I will wage a war on all females who have a very close relationship and/or emotional bond!  I will pass a constitutional amendment if need be!

(Billy is unaware that he’s standing right underneath a window that’s part of the school cafeteria.  The cafeteria woman opens the window and tosses out a pot full of fisheads and gross soup on top of Billy, who clutches his fist and waves it at the sky)

Billy: I swear that I will wage a war on all cafeteria workers!  I will pass a constitutional amendment if need be!

(pauses)

Billy: Wow, I have a lot of amendments to pass.  I’d better get started.

(He wanders off to scheme.)

Cafeteria Woman: What a creep.

You might think that it sucks to spend part of a 3-day weekend writing press releases for a work deadline that can’t wait until Tuesday.  And it’s true--for a little while, I’ve been sitting here stewing and getting irritated about the whole thing.

But then I remembered that I’m actually paying homage to the Fourth of July in my own little way.  After all, press releases were an important part of the United States and its struggle for independence from Britain.  In fact, the very first press release ever written announced the end of the war.

In case you’ve forgotten the details of that historical document--and if you have, shame on you for falling asleep in history--I’ve reprinted it below.

UNITED STATES AND BRITAIN END FEUD, SETTLE OUT OF COURT

Amateur Deep-Sea Divers Try to Recover Boxes of “Perfectly Good” Tea

WASHINGTON D.C. (September 3, 1783) - The United States and Great Britain today announced the dissolution of their strategic partnership, allowing the U.S. to divest itself of “colony” status in order to become its own corporate entity.

The United States, while being a corporate spinoff of Britain, nonetheless differs in key aspects of its mission statement.  The new country’s principles include fostering a workplace environment that encourages “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” particularly if you’re a landowning white male.  It also helps if you’re tall.  Really tall--like, even as tall as 5’5”.

General George Washington expressed enthusiasm about becoming the United States’s first President and CEO.  “Frankly, I could use some steady income, “ Washington said.  “I threw a dollar across the Potomac River.  Do you know how dumb that was?  I mean, we were all feeling a little punchy from the Valley Forge thing and it seemed funny at the time, but it wasn’t my smartest move.  And when I say that, keep in mind that I can’t tell a lie.”

Washington continued, “My only consolation is, now that I’ve proven how ridiculous it is to throw money around like that, it’ll be easy to set up a government that doesn’t engage in that kind of wasteful spending.”

Vice President (and assistant to the CEO) John Adams echoed some of these sentiments.  “Me and Abby just bought a house for three bucks--and let me tell you, even with 0% interest and no property taxes, the monthly payments are killing us.  It makes me grumpy enough to pass some Alien and Sedition Acts, or something.”

King George III responded to the news of the spinoff with guarded courtesy.  “I think it’s important that the U.S. has a chance to see if it can become a viable, revenue-generating concern and hit its quarterly numbers,” he said.  “However, we think the lack of a strong monarchy is a weakness in its overall business model.”

The King added, “We don’t consider negotiations ended between us.  We might be back to reopen discussions...say, sometime around 1812.”