My friend Sacha: “VH-1 is like your parents.  I always feel like VH-1 knows me really well, and I’d like to spend time with it, but I’m afraid that if I do I’ll end up feeling revolted.”

Sometimes I don’t eat enough for lunch, which sends me on a mission around the office in search of food.  I look for board meeting leftovers and other freebies.  They’re healthier than the vending machines.

Yesterday I went into the kitchen and found a sign that said “Help Yourself.” It was attached to a can of Slim-Fast.

I’m not on a diet, but the can was unopened.  It said “Healthy meal in a can.” It was strawberries-n-cream flavor.  I figured it couldn’t be that bad.  I opened the can and drank it.

It tasted like strawberries-n-cream flavored death.

I felt it expanding in my stomach.  It was as though I swallowed a driver’s side air bag.

I can’t tell you how much empathy I now have for people on diets.

We disagree about the character of Dominique in The Fountainhead. My articulate opinion is that Dominique is kind of cool. “Dominique is a bitch,” she replies.  “She meets an architect who’s all about objectivism and she loses her perspective.” She says the word “objectivism” like it’s about sex, the way someone else might say “slide” or “champagne.” She’s the one who leaves the table first, because she has somewhere else to be, and I stand up too so I can say goodbye. A combination of blood rush and gin makes my head go light. I reach out to find support, and for a terrifying moment I can’t find it.

Here are additional thoughts on The Passion of the Christ.  There aren�t any spoilers in this post, and you should thank me because the surprise ending packs a wallop: �I am your Father.  And the son.  And the Holy Ghost.� Who saw that coming?  I totally knew that the Bruce Willis character was dead, but I never predicted the triple-twist of the Holy Trinity.

1. Can we please declare a moratorium on using snakes as a symbol of evil?  There�s a point where Jesus very portentously steps on a snake and crushes it to death.  Listen, I used to own a snake, and as a former snake owner I�m very offended.  Don�t get me wrong�I never saw my snake Bart donate to charity or volunteer at a soup kitchen or anything.  Frankly, he all about crawling around my neck like I was a walking tree trunk and occasionally eating some mice.  A very �Me�-centric animal. But evil?  He was okay, if you want to know the truth, and I don�t think he appreciated having people associate him with the Prince of Lies.  So let�s find another animal to serve as a scapegoat for a while.  Personally, I don�t like elk.  They�re all just milling around, talking about us.  They�re shifty.  Let�s get them before they get us.

2. Ever notice how these historical epics invariably have a serious, solemn nighttime scene where the area is flooded with blue light? It�s supposed to be night. Where does the blue light come from?  I kept expecting someone to say: �It is far too costly to save men�s souls.  But there�s a wonderful special on souls over on aisle five.  Also check out the bed linen.�

3. I�m glad that modern society has dropped the convention of announcing your name and your place of origin: �I am Jesus of Nazareth.� Because I�d always get involved in the same tedious conversation:

“Hi, I�m Greg of Ukiah.”

“Ukiah?  I know not of this land.”

“It�s about 2 hours north of San Francisco on Highway 101.”

“Do you seek to befuddle me in some way?”

“It�s a pretty small town.  We put mirrors on either side of the city limits to make it seem larger so we feel better about the whole thing.  It also helps if you think of it as �haiku� spelled backwards.”

�Oh wait, I think I passed through there the other day.  We were on our way to the redwoods to find some more wood for crosses.  They have some very nice wineries.�

“Oh yeah, the wine tasting is great.”

“Sure.  There’s an excellent vintage that’s been transmuted from blood; they serve it with these cute little cheese cubes.”

I now pose two serious questions to those who saw this movie: couldn�t the point have been made without the excruciating violence and torture?  If you want to watch something that dishes out so much pain and anguish that you pray for salvation, you can simply rent an earlier Mel Gibson movie, Lethal Weapon 4.  To paraphrase Elvis Costello, what�s so boring about peace, love, and understanding?