I’ve noticed that people reveal a lot about themselves when they make edits to my press releases.

I write:
The enterprise system enhances [the company’s] online services while cutting operational costs and boosting annual revenues.

Edits from the CEO:
Our new enterprise system fulfills our destiny of being a comprehensive, end-to-end, completely scalable and integrated service provider for everyone on God’s green earth.  I believe that this improvement will attract the attention of industry analysts, which is why I’m using words like “scalable” and “integrated.” Analysts should call me more.  I think they’d like me.  They can come over to my house and we can play poker, and stuff.  I mean, we can play integrated, scalable poker.

Edits from the CFO:
We’re going to make more money.  I think that’s what’s important here.  Money money money.  Also, it’s enterprise-level and it’ll enhance something or other, I don’t know exactly what.  If you really want to know, go ask our Chief Information Officer. I’m the CFO, and what I’m telling you is, we’re going to make money.  Oh, and no, you can’t borrow $20 from me; I know your type.

Edits from the CIO:
Annual revenues?  Whatever, dude.  The point is, this new enterprise-level system makes us totally badass.  We’re like the Death Star, except we wouldn’t blow up Princess Leia’s planet because that was mean.  We are top-of-the-line, best-of-class, pure blinking lights and bells and whistles.  We use XML.  We use SSL encryption.  We use mySQL.  We are unstoppable. 

Edits from the Director of Marketing:
Greg, you’ve got to go easy on the press release jargon.  “Enterprise system”?  “Online services”?  I know what you mean, but will your average, dumb reporter understand too?  Go talk to the CEO, CFO, and CIO.  I’m sure they’ll agree with me.

The other day I was bored in a meeting, so I decided to play a game of “Write your own verses for Alanis Morrissette’s incomprehensible song ’Ironic.‘“ This is how far I got:

It’s like when your skeleton’s
On the outside of your body
It’s like cereal
When it all turns soggy
Isn’t it ironic...don’t you think

It’s like robbing a bank
When you don’t need money
It’s like the world’s a kleenex
When your nose isn’t runny

It’s like going hungry
When you really have a hankerin’
It’s like a right wing library
That only stocks Al Franken

And then I had to stop because I actually had to contribute something to the meeting.  Too bad.  I think I was on a roll.

The worst thing about keeping a web journal is when people read it who know you in real life.  Then, when you’re in a group of friends and you relate an anecdote that you’ve already posted about, you catch those people rolling their eyes and looking faintly bored.

What is with you?  You already know I’m not interesting enough to entertain you both offline and on.  Either hang out with me and do fun stuff, or surf to the site like an anonymous stranger and leave pithy comments.  You’re no longer allowed to do both.

I’m told that some people are getting an error message when submitting comments, even with Internet Explorer on a PC platform.  If you’re one of them, please email me and let me know your browser version, platform, and error messages received (if any).  There’s bugs.  I must squash the bugs.

If you don’t like the content of the site, don’t bother with an email.  There’s nothing I can do about defective genes.