Be very suspicious of anyone who uses the expression, “I have my ducks all in row.”

First, one must question the overall mental competence of those who judge matters of chaos and order based on the geometric configuration of aquatic birds.

Second, the person has just admitted to being responsible for a large quantity of ducks. Ducks are high maintenance animals; can this individual be trusted with their care and feeding? Particulary since the person just admitted that he or she views the ducks as little more than a feathered version of feng shui.

She: People need to remember that the Bible contains everything they need to know about living their lives. No matter what they’re going through, no matter what problems they’re facing, they can open up the Bible and find the answers.

Me: That reminds me--I need to re-read the passage about getting rid of ingrown toenails. That’s in Leviticus, right?

So one of the organizers of the Seattle HR conference makes some opening remarks before dinner. And he concludes by saying, “I don’t know about you, but in my house we say ‘grace’ before dinner.” And he proceeds to give thanks to our savior, Jesus Christ.

This in front of a room of HR professionals--people who have been trained with every fiber of their being to guard against the slightest hint of religious intolerance and insensitive behavior.

The palpable wave of shock and disbelief that rippled through the room was akin to John Ashcroft addressing the Republican National Convention and stating, “Y’know, I think we’ve been a little rough on the welfare state. Let’s reconsider that whole approach.”

(Another organizer stood up after dinner and offered a public apology.)

Maybe I should confess to the security people that my laptop has a Die Hard 3 Special Edition DVD in it.

It’s not a threat to the other passengers or anything. But let’s face it--the dialogue is pretty horrible.

According to my ever-informative spam mail, Kenneth Cole just released a fragrance for men.

I will admit to owning a Kenneth Cole watch and I like some of the shoes. But I really don’t need to know what the guy smells like.

I know that readers of this blog--all two of you--are anxious to hear more high-powered insights into booth marketing. So here you go: never staff a trade show booth with two people who share the same first name.

I don’t know why this is an issue, but for some reason it really spooks some people. At the PIHRA conference, where I’m posting this, my associate and I will occasionally encounter a situation like this one:

“Oh, your company does benefits and payroll outsourcing via the web? That’s wonderful! I’ve been looking for a service like that for ages!”

“Well, we’d be pleased to discuss our value proposition with you.”

“Terrific! Let me give you my business card as well as the business card of my company’s CEO, CFO, primary investors, and every other executive I know who makes expensive business decisions! My name’s Martha!”

“Nice to meet you, Martha. I’m Greg, and this is my colleague Greg.”

“Uh....you’re both named Greg?”

“Yes. Now, as to the nature of our services--”

“You know what, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“But--”

“No no, it’s okay. And hey, you two have a nice trip back to your home planet.”

I’m posting this from the PIHRA conference where I’m helping run a booth for my company.

As conferences begin, you tend to use the usual methods--shaking hands, smiling at people, handing out sales collateral.

As time wears on and attendees begin to lose interest in the various exhibitors, you begin to become more aggressive.

At the moment, I’ve taken to sticking out my foot and tripping people, and then shoving some company pens in their face as they get to their feet. I think tomorrow I’ll be moving on to full-body tackles. My colleague thinks he’s pretty good at catching people in headlocks, so all I have to do is dive for the ankles.

When Dutch people finish with a date and want to split the check, what do they call it? They can’t call it “going Dutch.”

Do they say “Let us treat this matter in the egalitarian way invented by our ancestors”? Or maybe they automatically split the check, because they’re Dutch and they have no choice.

Which means that when an American dates a Dutch person and tries to pay for the meal, the Dutch person is likely to get very offended. “You have shamed me and you have shamed my family name. Go back to Amsterdam.”

5. I don’t think that dim sum is settling well.
4. Every museum should be required to carry the Exploratorium’s cool magnetic sand.
3. Can I call myself an “Impressionist” if I do a killer version of Fozzie the
Bear?
2. This exhibit is called “Eternal Egypt,” but none of these statues have noses.
1. Okay, so this guy could paint better than I can. But at least I’m not dead.

I’m forced to use AT&T for digital cable because they have a monopoly on the San Francisco Bay Area. They’re the only franchise available.

When I open up my AT&T bill, it’s more than the advertised fee. This is because in addition to the monthly service, I also pay a “franchise tax.”

So let me get this straight: I can only use one franchise, and then I pay an additional fee for the privilege.

I think I’d feel better if they just called it a “neener, neener, neener” tax.

I think it’s creepy that newspapers recycle content from dead authors. Charles Schultz and Ann Landers continue to grace the pages each day.

It’s not like Carolyn Keene, the original author of the Nancy Drew stories. After she died (and probably before), other writers wrote under the Carolyn Keene name to continue the series. But at least they were new stories.

I’d like to propose that the Ann Landers people hire the Nancy Drew people to keep the column going with new, fresh content every day. For example:

Dear Ann,
I can’t seem to find my missing chums! I’ve searched everywhere! My hunky but dim boyfriend, Ned Nickerson is no help, and my world-famous father detective seems stumped! Can you help?
-- Sleuth in Distress

Dear Sleuth,
Remember the clue you found in the secret attic. It contains a key that will unlock the whole crazy puzzle.
-- Anne

Q: How do you get Governor Gray Davis to change his position on an issue?
A: Tell him the check bounced.

You’re supposed to memoralize on Memorial Day, give thanks on Thanksgiving Day, and plant a tree on Arbor Day. But for some reason, you’re not supposed to work on Labor Day.

In this particular case, however, I really think it’s best not to ask too many questions.