File under Issue-driven campaigns:
Trading insults with his political enemies, Senator John Kerry bitterly railed against what he called “the Republican attack squad that specializes in trying to destroy people.” His aides reportedly ran to calm Kerry down before his eyes turned green, his shirt ripped, and he morphed into Howard Dean.

File under Cheap onanism jokes:
George Michael is retiring from the music business.  Let’s give him a hand--whoops, too late.

File under Should have put in list of minority groups it’s acceptable to discriminate against:
Indie bands that try to get a cheap hit by covering some relatively recent, much-loved song.  And if you’re going to cover “Laid,” you damn well better hit the high notes in “Prettttyyyyyyyyyy” as well as the guy from James.

File under: Total badass:
I’ve had a pair of mirrored closet doors lying around my living room for a week because the city’s recycling department won’t pick up bulky items from multi-unit dwellings--and even if they did, they won’t pick up mirrored closet doors.  So, you know, that’s two strikes.  Today I looked the closet doors in the face--although it was actually my face since they were mirrored doors--and challenged them to a fight.  They accepted. We battled it out.  It got nasty.  We didn’t play fair.  But by the end of the scrap, they were broken and shattered and lying in the dumpster.

You might say that I should pick on someone my own size.  Well, it’s true...they’re not my size.  They’re seven feet.  And I still totally won.

In fact, I kicked their glass.