To say that I’m not attuned to fashion is like saying that the Titanic may have been somewhat ill-equipped to handle icebergs.

Therefore, whenever I find myself in need of new clothes, I take a break from my habitual scientific study of the females of our species and I look at men instead. What’s new? What’s nice? What could I wear without traumatizing young children?

In particular, I look at our sales guys. They’re type A personalities, they’re always in front of the public, and in general they all dress pretty well. As part of the marketing department, I sit in on the weekly sales meeting. So, a few Mondays each year I’m discreetly scanning the room while people are yammering on about revenue targets.

It’s also possible to talk to the guys and ask a few questions. For example: where did you get that shirt? When did you get it? Are there others like it? And so on. But this has to be done very carefully. Otherwise, you may end up with a scene like this one:

(I sit in meeting, then turn to my right.)

ME: Hey Bill.

BILL: Hey.

ME: Nice shirt.

BILL: Thanks.

ME: Would you say that you’re an ‘autumn’?

BILL: Uh…

ME: I’m totally an autumn, although I can wear some winter colors too. I think I’d go for a shirt like that if it was a little less orange-y.

BILL: Well, uh…

ME: I don’t mind the shirt being a little tight around the chest, though. I mean, it brings out the muscle tone, right? Am I right?

BILL: Here’s the thing, Greg. I’m going to move to the other side of the table, and I think it’s important that you don’t talk to me anymore.

(I sulk for a few moments, then turn to my left.)

ME: Hey Steve.

STEVE: Hey.

ME: Did you buy that shirt because it brings out the color of your eyes?

(Steve bursts into sudden tears.)

STEVE: God bless you, Greg. Even...even my wife didn’t notice.