Here’s another reason to avoid laser eye surgery: I was given eye shields which I have to wear for ten nights straight.  I have to tape them across each eye, and they look like miniature hockey masks.  Apparently, they will prevent me from crushing the still-healing issue like a grape if I happen to roll over in my sleep.

The problem is, this means I can only sleep on my back and my side.  This is not how I sleep.  I’m very restless. I turn over and around and back again.  Unconfirmed reports indicate that every night around 3:30 am, I sleepwalk out of bed and open the window and throw my blankets and pillow into the street while screaming “WE’RE AS MAD AS HELL AND WE’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.” Then I stumble into the living room and collapse on the coffee table.  It is not possible to do this anymore; instead, I wake up several times a night dreaming that I’m being smothered by Wayne Gretsky.

Last night, I taped up the shields and put them over my eyes and stared at my reflection in the mirror and said “You look like a total idiot.” My Friday-the-13th-Jason style eyes whispered back, “killkillkillkillkillkill.”

I got even more upset after talking to my brother on the phone.  He had laser surgery a while back, and no one ever asked him to wear eye shields. This made me very paranoid: what if my doctor just likes to play jokes on his patients and has them wear ridiculous headgear?

“We’ll make this guy wear a pair of hockey masks.  And the next guy will wear a big purple nose warmer.  We’ll tell him that if he sneezes too hard, the warmer will catch the eye if it dislodges from the socket and shoots out the nostril.”

I rode a lot of roller coasters this weekend, and people asked me if the pressure would hurt my eyes or something,* but I read all the fine print and it said nothing about roller coasters.  But apparently sleeping is off limits. 

Well, it’s only four more nights. I think I’ll celebrate at the end of it by throwing a slumber party.

*My friend Adam told his girlfriend once that I never mention him on my site, so this is a good time to say hello to Adam, and thanks for getting us into Paramount’s Great America, and maybe we could go back this weekend and find my right eye? Because it popped out of my head during the Top Gun ride and rolled underneath one of the tracks.