Things that happened at the optometrist yesterday:

1. I faced a major decision.  Old kind of contacts or new-fangled kind of contacts?  I hate those kinds of adult choices.  It was easier as a kid: just choose whatever product featured Batman.  Why can’t they make contacts that feature Batman?

2. For those who think I’m a jerk, this will seal the deal.  It turned out I had a small infection in my left eye, and the doctor prescribed some drops.  “These are like a MEGATON BOMB,” he exclaimed eagerly.  “You DROP THESE IN YOUR EYES and it will WIPE OUT THE INFECTION.” He looked at me excitedly.  His face was like a delicate flower.  I could have simply walked away from the flower, let it bloom.  But no, I had to reach down and crumple it: “You know, that’s really not the most comforting metaphor to use with someone with an eye infection.” However, it all worked out because he was completely unfazed: “No SERIOUSLY.  It’s like dropping a bomb in the middle of the Bay Area and KNOCKING OVER BUILDINGS.”

3. I hadn’t realized that I had an eye infection, but I was concerned about my right eye becoming red and swollen a while back. I told the doctor my symptoms.  He said, “Why didn’t you come SEE ME IMMEDIATELY?” I said, “Because I looked it up on the Internet and I’m pretty sure I just blew a blood vessel due to stress. It happens.” He exploded, “That’s your GENERATION.  Always SELF-DIAGNOSING using the INTERNET, as if the INTERNET could SOLVE ALL OF LIFE’S PROBLEMS.  It could be SERIOUS and you’d be in TROUBLE.”

After the exam and he found and treated my infection, I reminded him about the swollen red eye situation.  “Oh that,” he said.  “That’s nothing.  It was probably due to stress.  I wouldn’t worry about it.”

All of which is to say that I’m putting drops in my eyes a lot now and I can’t see very well, so if there’s more typos in my posts than usual, it’s due to that and not inherent basal-ness, or qualities that otherwise indicate an abundance of basalitude.