One might point out that supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage is a fairly unconscionable position for a President to take, seeing as how the constitution (and America at large) is about inclusiveness, and such an amendment would be about exclusion.  And it’s true that I don’t support this amendment.

However, I am not necessarily opposed to a philosophy of exclusion, and I don’t want the struggle over marriage rights to obscure the point that the constitution could be very powerfully used to legislate against deserving parties. Here’s a list of minority groups that I believe it’s acceptable to discriminate against, even to the point of establishing a federal mandate.

People who bring their children to my desk to buy candy bars and other crap for their schools and bands.

People who use an apostrophe in decades (1970’s) and in a possessive form of the word “its.”

People with any form of a fish on their cars--I don’t care whether it says “Jesus” or “Darwin.” Knock it off.

Naked fat old men who have their gym lockers right next to mine and instead of changing into their clothes they stand there and scratch themselves and preen.  Listen, I wouldn’t want the statue of David striking a pose in my vicinity when I’m trying to change, and you’re no work of art, saggy.

People who think that Blink 182 are punk.

People who sell Amway products.

People with “KILL YOUR TELEVISION” bumper stickers on their cars.  If you’re so hip and progressive, why the hell are you driving a car?

People who are taller than me.  I’m at a networking event and I end up talking into this 6’4” guy’s sportsjacket.  I take a break to shout “SAY IT LOUD: I’M 5’8” AND I’M PROUD,” but he can’t hear me because sound doesn’t carry in the upper atmosphere.

Anyone who links to “Geese Aplenty” but then de-links it.  Oh, not funny enough for you, eh?  If you want professional comedy, you’ll have to pay for it.  I’m just a talented amateur.

People who don’t vote because they don’t think their vote counts.  You know what else doesn’t count?  People who are dumb.

People who are dumb.

People who are stupid.

Dumb people who are stupid and who annoy me.