Here’s what I hate: people tell me that I don’t appreciate [such and such] because I haven’t experienced [such and such] in its most concentrated and potent form.

- Oh, you don’t like mushrooms?  That’s because you haven’t had mushrooms cooked really well with a side of mushrooms cooked in mushroom broth.  You have no reason to complain about mushrooms unless you’ve experienced their revolting texture and godawful smell in such a single, compressed dose that you throw up for a good two hours.  Seriously!  Try it!  Don’t talk to me again until you do!

- Oh, you hate Blink 182?  You haven’t seen them live!  When you get to hear their gut-wrenching, seriously hideous lack of talent blasting through your very soul!  Surrounded by low-lifes and criminals singing along to the lyrics!  It’ll change you forever!

Here’s what I say:

- Oh, you don’t like getting punched in the nose?  You need to try really getting punched in the nose.  With a sprightly, happy fist that pushes through the nasal cartilage and shoves splinters of bone back into your brain.  It’s great!  It’ll change your opinion forever!  You haven’t been punched in the nose until you try it!