Sometimes I upset people when I talk about Christians on this site, so I want to make very clear that I’m talking about certain Christians in this post--the hypocritical ones who represent stupid organizations and talk to newspapers about movies they will never go see.  There are plenty of Christians who don’t do this.  And believe me, I hate some atheists as much as I hate some Christians.  Atheists can be just as insufferable and self-righteous as their opposite numbers.  Oh, and I also hate agnostics.  Talk about a group of people who refuse to let go of the remote and watch a goddamn show; it’s always “CLICK CLICK CLICK,” gotta see what’s on next, can’t decide.

Anyway, I’m annoyed about the hypocrisy of Christians who complain about the slasher flick Black Christmas that’s being released on Christmas day.  Jennifer Giroux, who co-founded Operation Just Say Merry Christmas as a way to reclaim the season for Christians, said that the “The use of religious music—‘Silent Night’—and the nativity . . . are insensitive to Christians.”

I happen to like Christmas.  I like it when my neighbors say “Happy Holidays” to me.  I like the fact that there’s tons of food in the office at work.  I like the fact that, year after year, the Little Drummer Boy still doesn’t know how to play anything other than “pahrump-a-pum-pum.” (Talk about finding a groove and sticking with it; he was a Phil Collins for his time.)

So I, like Jennifer Giroux, don’t like movies that besmirch Christmas.  And nothing does that more than movies like Deck the Halls, the recently released atrocity starring Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito.  Why was there no outcry about that?  What about that Ben Affleck movie last year, Surviving Christmas? A movie like that isn’t insensitive to Christians?

What about Tim Allen, who has now released three Santa Clause movies?  Three is half of six, which is 1/3 of the way to 666, the Number of the Beast.  So I now have theological proof that Allen is the Anti-Christ.

Unfunny and overly sentimental movies that wallow in treacly pablum in order to make a quick buck off of Christmas are far worse and far more insidious than a movie like Black Christmas, which at least wears its cycnicism on its celluloid sleeve.  I find a slasher movie released on December 25 to be like a guy walking around wearing a sandwich board that reads “I DOUBLE PARK AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY.” You may not like him, but you can’t fault his integrity.

Christians should be thrilled that Dimension Films is releasing this movie as counter-programming. It gets all the weirdos into the movie theater on Christmas and off the streets.  Won’t Christmas be nicer knowing that anyone who wants to spend the day watching a slasher movie is, in fact, watching a slasher movie?

Because personally, I’m sick of those creeps coming to my door and interrupting my own holiday.  And you can always tell who they are.  Most people want to borrow a cup of sugar or maybe some mulled wine; the slasher fans always want to borrow some blood pudding.